Building a bond that lasts a lifetime …

Which do you find more inspirational and seemingly romantic: “young love” between a young couple, or seeing an older couple who has weathered all of life’s challenges together and are still head-over-heels “in love” with each other?

There’s something about a lasting bond that attracts us, to know that real love and commitment can endure, and even deepen, from those early days of yet unrefined passion.

There are many things involved with building a bond that lasts. One element that is rarely talked about, or taught, is that of touch.

Touch is highly addictive.

We crave the touch of another human being. And once we have it, we always want it. We even need it.

BUT touch can be used to indulge our base human desires, or to build a bond between a man and woman that lasts a lifetime.

Secular zoologist Demond Morris studied how touch is vital in building, and sustaining, a bond among couples. Dr. Donald Joy built upon Morris’ observations to show how pair bonding is built through sequential steps of touch that are constantly repeated throughout life.

The 12 steps to pair bonding are as follows

STAGE ONE: No Touch

Step 1: Eye to Body. This is not a sexual look, but that first look of discovery. Something “grabs” you that first time you see her or him across a room.

Step 2: Eye to Eye. This is already more intimate than observing someone and “taking them in.” Now, you’re both looking directly at each other, making “eye contact.” A deeper connection has been made.

Step 3: Voice to Voice. A man and woman are now drawn together and interacting by speaking to each other. Yet a deeper connection than observation.

STAGE TWO: First Touch

Step 4: Hand to Hand. Do you remember how excited you were the first time you held hands? You heart was beating so hard you could feel it! The rush of excitement at that first touch, which moved your level of intimacy beyond conversation to a new connection.

Step 5: Arm to Shoulder. This is a closeness not reserved simply for couples. You’ll even see someone prop an arm on a buddy’s shoulder as an innocent touch of close friendship. But it is a touch of connectedness, of a closeness that has surpassed observation and conversation; the bond is growing.

Step 6: Arm to Waist. There are fewer people we allow to put their arms around our waists. It’s a more intimate touch that draws us closer and alongside someone.

STAGE THREE: Intimate Contact

Step 7: Face to Face. As a couple moves face to face, intimacy is deepened with prolonged eye contact, hugging, and kissing. This is a level of intimacy not commonly shared, and stirs deeper responses emotionally and physically.

Step 8: Hand to Head. There are very few people we allow to touch our heads. This is reserved for someone we have a level of trust and connectedness with that is unique.

STAGE FOUR: One Flesh (reserved for within marriage)

Step 9: Hand to Body. Now that the bond has moved within marriage, the couple broadens their touch to exploring each others’ bodies.

Steps 10-12: Mouth to Body, Hand to Genital, and Intercourse. Touch transforms from exploration to sexual intimacy between the pair.

Such a sequential approach to pair bonding, and specifically to touch, contributes significantly to the bond a man and woman can build for life. The problem is, so many give little consideration to building such a bond.

In fact, it’s not uncommon today for most, or all, of these steps to be taken within a couple hours of the start of a first date! From that point on, the value of sequence in touch is lost, and couples often look to what they have “in common” to keep them together rather than give consideration to building a bond that ties them together.

But those couples who still get excited by just seeing their spouse across a room …

Those couples who still lose themselves in each others eyes, or linger in the enjoyment of simple conversation …

Those couples who still reach out and take hold of each others’ hands …

Those couples who are connected with an arm around the waist, or a touch to the head …

… and do these things over and over and over, week after month after year after decade, find a deep and passionate bond between them that is an enduring connection for life.

But those couples who interact little except for occasional sexual activity and to complete chores, find a gulf between them that often is never closed.

The significance of touch, and it’s key role in building a lasting bond between a man and woman, is important for couples to understand. But it’s also vital education for teens, and especially for young adults.

Couples who have a sequential, ongoing step to touch in their relationship tend to have more authentic, deeper, and stronger pair bonding than others. Couples who skip or eliminate steps routinely under-value, overlook, and take advantage of each other.

Do you have a healthy bond in your marriage? Are these steps sequential realities between you and your spouse? How could these steps build a greater intimacy, and stronger bond, between you and your spouse? And how could you teach this to your children so they can understand the power of touch, and have a respect for it that glorifies God and leads to proper interaction with others as they grow?

Scotty