If I feel it, it must be valid …

“It’s always a good practice to remember that a person’s feelings are valid even if you don’t agree with their actions, behavior, or words.”

That was the post on Twitter. You likely have heard it some time, somewhere.

It’s an old platitude that sounds so right and so nice.

Too bad it’s so wrong.

It is quite common for our emotions to be more irrational than rational. Emotions are generated by our thinking; to have irrational emotions you must have thoughts not fully sourced from truth. This platitude attempts to give falsely-based, irrational emotions the same standing as rational thinking based on truth. The idea is that because the irrational feeling exists, it is “valid.”

Let’s use a simple example.

Jane has a strong Supine temperament, so she is a little more sensitive in direct interactions with others. Jane enters a room where there is another person, a stranger named John, and they make eye contact. Jane immediately notes John did not smile at her. The immediate irrational feeling generated from this thought is, “John didn’t smile at me, therefore he doesn’t like me.”

All other thoughts, feelings, and behaviors Jane has toward John is now sourced on an irrational feeling that she is not liked by John. The feeling of being unliked may exist, but it has not been validated by the one thing that can bring validation to it: truth.

What Jane doesn’t know is John was distracted by some serious personal issues, or John was disturbed with thoughts of pressing business issues to follow in his day, or John is shy, or John is not an emotionally demonstrative person, or John was not feeling well, or John is socially awkward, or …

There can be a host of reasons for John’s behavior, all of which invalidate the irrational feeling Jane has created toward John.

Much of the work done in the counselor’s office is helping people develop the skill and habits of rational thinking and repairing the damage done to lives because of irrational thinking and feelings piled onto others as if they were valid.

Before you saddle others with the thoughts and feelings you have about them, first be sure to validate them with the truth. Then, apply love.

Scotty