The problem of ignoring and being ignored …

You’ve heard it said, “No man is an island to himself.”

When God designed us, He wired us to need Him and others. Even the most introverted among us need God, and need the love and friendship of someone else.

That’s what makes being ignored by others a painful experience, and ignoring others to most often (but not in all cases) be a selfish and ungracious act.

Being ignored …

It is true there are times when scripture instructs us to avoid certain people, but that’s not a part of this discussion and is a topic for another blog post.

All of us, at some time in our lives, have felt the sting of being ignored by others. Whether it’s that first day of school and finding yourself standing alone on the playground, ignored (at least initially) by the other children; getting the “cold shoulder” from a spouse who, for the moment, is choosing to ignore you; or that time you visit a church and only the official greeter speaks a word to you, we all long for someone to acknowledge our presence and to welcome it.

The Association for Psychological Science reported the following in 2012:

“Feeling like you’re part of the gang is crucial to the human experience. All people get stressed out when we’re left out. A new study published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that a feeling of inclusion can come from something as simple as eye contact from a stranger.”

Rarely does someone come in for counseling who says their life is full of vibrant, healthy, mutually beneficial connections with others. Those people often have so much support in their lives they have little need for clinical care. Most people who come for counseling are feeling increasingly disconnected with others at a personal level, and some even state at times they feel ignored by important people in their lives.

Being ignored by others tempts us to doubt our own worth, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and the irrational step of actually withdrawing from others. When you are feeling ignored by people around you, here are some things you need to consider …

• • We find our authentic value in Jesus Christ alone. It is only in understanding that God personally and purposely created us, loves us, and desires an eternal relationship with us that we can understand the foundational value He has given to us. Should all the world ignore us, we can still discover the value God gives us isn’t something others can take from us. Our identity should be built from the value imparted to us by Jesus Christ.
  • It doesn’t require anything on your part for someone to ignore you. This world is full of selfish people who are more interested in themselves than looking to the needs of others around them. However, when you find that someone is ignoring you, it can be a wise step to take a moment for self-examination to consider whether you are saying something or acting in such a way that someone would want to distance themselves from you or ignore what you have to say or your presence around them. There are times when we’re unaware of the tone of our comments or some behaviors that make others uncomfortable and, instead of saying something about it, people just begin to ignore the offender.
  • If you’re finding yourself being ignored by others, put yourself out there! Again, the world is full of people who are naturally inclined to be selfish, not inclusive. If you want to be acknowledged or included, assert yourself, make yourself known, introduce yourself, and take actions to be included with others. If you’re always waiting for others to invite you in, you’ll feel ignored a lot.
  • Have rational expectations. Not everyone will be your best friend, and not everyone will want you in their social circles. You won’t be invited to be included in everything by everyone, but you can reasonably expect to connect well with some people. Have rational expectations.

Ignoring someone else …

You don’t have to invite everyone to be your best friend, but no one (other than those scripture tells us to avoid) deserves to be ignored as if they don’t exist. The common courtesy of acknowledging the presence of others and extending to them the kindness and love of Christ should be the baseline measure of how we respond to the people around us.

There are times when we need to have a razor-sharp focus on something and not be interrupted; that need can be communicated to others. But we often start our day with a razor-like focus on ourselves and don’t deviate from that very much throughout our day. The outcome is we ignore the people who are all around us. That makes how we live to be all about us.

To help make sure you’re not ignoring people, consider the following:

• • Practice noticing the people around you. Who are the first people you see when you get up in the morning? Who do you see on your way to work or school? At Work? At the store? In the mall? Sharing an elevator? Ringing up your purchase at the supermarket? Bagging your groceries? On the other side of the glass at the bank? Handing you your dry cleaning? Your life is full of people, practice seeing them!
  • Acknowledge the people around you. That can be done as simply as making eye contact, smiling at them while looking at them, giving then a nod, waving, etc. A simple gesture gives acknowledgement to others and helps them feel a sense of inclusion, even if you’re not spending time with them.
  • There isn’t a single human being you come across at any time in your life that doesn’t have God-given value! So as people move into your life whether on the periphery, for just a moment, or more intimately, show value and respect to everyone instead of moving through your days as if you’re in a self-contained bubble.

Ignoring yourself …

Jesus tells us that if we want to be His disciple, one of the things we must do is deny ourselves (Luke 9:23), but that does not mean we’re supposed to ignore ourselves. In fact, a great deal of harm can be done by ignoring the real needs we have.

When we ignore our need for God, when we ignore our need to be loved by others, when we ignore our need to love others, when we ignore what our bodies and minds need, we can do great harm to our spiritual, mental, and physical health and cause ourselves to become unhealthy.

Christ calls us to deny ourselves, which is to turn away from our natural inclination to indulge in ourselves and make everything about us, and instead be good stewards of the lives God has given us while taking up our own crosses and following Him.

Do not ignore the real needs you have as a human being! At the same time, understand that all of life does not revolve around those basic needs. See the value God has created you with, appreciate and be a steward of that valuable life instead of ignoring it.

Ignoring the truth …

The greatest error we can make in life is to choose to ignore the truth. To ignore the truth is also to ignore a Person, Jesus Christ, who stated, “… I am the way, the truth, and the life …” (John 14:6a).

During the 1982 war in the Falkland Islands between England and Argentina, the Royal Navy’s 3,500-ton destroyer HMS Sheffield was sunk by a single missile fired from an Argentine fighter jet. It caused some people to wonder if modern surface warships were obsolete, sitting ducks for today’s sophisticated missiles. But a later check revealed that the Sheffield’s defenses did pick up the incoming missile, and the ship’s computer correctly identified it as a French-made Exocet. But the computer was programmed to ignore Exocets as “friendly.” The Sheffield was sunk by a missile it saw coming and could have evaded.

When we ignore the truth, we asking to be sunk. Don’t do it!

Conclusion …

Often when we feel we’re being ignored, there are actions we can take to fix that issue with others. Put yourself out there, engage, be interested in others, and you’ll discover there are people who happily invite you into their lives.

Knowing the pain of being ignored, make sure you’re not inflicting that on others … or yourself!

And above all else, make sure you’re seeking, following and living the truth.

Scotty