How we permeate our relationships with a lack of trust …

We don’t trust people to obey Jesus Christ. At least, when it comes to being a person who has such integrity that they consistently tell the truth.

It was Jesus who told us to make our “word” a gold standard for trust:

“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one,” Matthew 5:37.

James would echo Jesus’ teaching …

“But most of all, my brothers and sisters, never take an oath, by heaven or earth or anything else. Just say a simple yes or no, so that you will not sin and be condemned,” James 5:12.

Yet, there is a very common pattern I see routinely among clients who have problems in a variety of relationships: a lack of trust. The person may have demonstrated throughout their lifetime they are a person of integrity, especially when it comes to telling the truth, yet family members, friends, bosses, co-workers, ministry partners, even spouses and children seem to constantly question them.

We say we trust others — especially those who have shown themselves to be worthy of trust — but we often fail to EXERCISE our trust in them.

Instead, even in our most intimate relationships, we often express a blanket approach to everyone: “I don’t trust you.” Even “trusted” church leaders are pushed to constantly explain themselves. We believe the statistics over proven character.

According to USA Today, the typical American lies at the drop of a hat, about almost anything! The information comes from a book, “The Day America Told the Truth.” Its authors claim research evidence that 91 percent of Americans admit they lie routinely, stating that 75 percent lie to friends, 69 percent to spouses, and 81 percent lie about their feelings.

We so often “trust” that people aren’t being honest that we build into our relationships the practice of quizzing or interrogating even the people we are closest to instead of simply trusting what they say. Over time, this lack of trust corrodes into something worse; we no longer question others to verify the truth, instead we start doing so to make our own decisions for them. We teach ourselves to tune out what others say, and create our own opinions about what others should be thinking, saying, or (and especially) doing. If the other person doesn’t agree (and disagreement is common), then strife and division is introduced into the relationship.

A classic exchange of someone not trusting what a friend says and thinking they know better is captured in the Bible when Peter didn’t accept what Jesus had to say:

“From then on Jesus began to tell his disciples plainly that it was necessary for him to go to Jerusalem, and that he would suffer many terrible things at the hands of the elders, the leading priests, and the teachers of religious law. He would be killed, but on the third day he would be raised from the dead,” Matthew 16:21.

There’s no one who ever walked the earth who’s word could be more trusted than that of Jesus! Yet, Peter thought he knew better …

“But Peter took him aside and began to reprimand him for saying such things. ‘Heaven forbid, Lord,’ he said. ‘This will never happen to you!’” Matthew 16:22.

We all know who was right and who was wrong about that exchange.

A persistent pattern of quizzing in relationships is like an emotional equivalent of the drip, drip, drip of “Chinese water torture”; eventually, the person at the end of all the questioning will tire of all the questions and resent the lack of trust.

Of course, some people are not honest, and we shouldn’t be naive to their dishonesty. But when someone has demonstrated they are a person of integrity, we need to exercise the kind of simple trust we see displayed in children.

Minister, theologian, and author, Frederick Buechner, suggests there are certain traits possessed by children that ironically bode well for possessing mature faith.

1. Children have no fixed preconception of reality. They are predisposed to believe in the impossible and the improbable. They believe in magic. In fact, they expect magic.

2. Children know how to accept a gift. “Dependent since birth,” expounds Philip Yancey on this point, “they receive gladly and unself-consciously. They do not debate whether they deserve the gift or worry about the etiquette of reciprocation. They tear off the wrapping paper with gusto and start to enjoy the gift.”

3. Children know how to trust. “A busy street holds no terror for a child who has an adult’s hand to grasp,” says Yancey. “Indeed, children must sternly be taught not to trust strangers, for distrust goes against their instincts.”

Are you demonstrating distrust in some of your relationships? If so, do you have real reasons for doing so? How can you better display trust in the relationships you have with people of integrity? Is your word a gold standard others could stake your relationship with them on?

Scotty