10 major reasons for relational distress …

When a couple asked a pastor if he would perform their marriage ceremony, he explained how he likes to conduct several sessions of premarital counseling before performing weddings. To which the couple replied, “We don’t need counseling. We’ve both been married several times before.”

If anyone should have known they needed help, it should have been that couple! With multiple marriages behind them, they certainly would have been no strangers to relational distress.

Neither are the rest of us.

Whenever you put two human beings together, some level of conflict will arise at some point. What you do about it, and how you handle it, will determine the outcome of the distress to the relationship. Overcoming relational distress is best achieved when you understand what the root cause or causes are. In counseling thousands of people over the past three decades, I’ve identified 10 common primary reasons for relational distress. These major reasons for trouble in relationships include the following:

Spiritual anemia – Professing discipleship of Jesus without faithfully living as a disciple is top of the list for ways you can cause distress in your relationships. God has equipped His children with the greatest teaching about how to effectively love one another, and has empowered us with the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to be able to love others, honor others, and live in harmony with others. But we have to actually obey what God teaches to gain the outcomes from what He teaches us! Not doing so by living a “spiritually anemic” life will cause more problems in our relationships.

Temperament clashes – The differences in our temperament (how God has “wired” us) can cause distress in our relationships if we don’t understand those differences. For example, the extroverted spouse may nag her introverted husband to spend more time out with other people. The husband doesn’t have the same temperament need for association and socialization as his wife, who has a temperament need for much more interaction with people. Without understanding how God has wired them differently, and respecting those God-created differences, such “temperament clashes” can create severe distress in relationships.

Cognitive distortions – Patterns of irrational thinking are very common, and when exercised in a relationship can wreak havoc with getting along with anyone!

Creative differences – Men and women are equal, but most certainly different. Those differences that God designed into men and women can quickly become the cause for relational distress when they aren’t understood and honored.

Defective systems – Behavior that achieves desired results — even when that behavior is negative — will be repeated. That repeated behavior becomes what is referred to as a “defective system,” when the payoff for the behavior exceeds the cost. Defective systems are a common source of distress within relationships.

Poor communication – Without the skills for communicating effectively and collaboratively, any kind of relationship will likely experience distress.

Lack of a joint vision – It was the prophet Amos who offered to us the profound question, “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (Amos 3:3). The answer is, generally, no, and they can’t avoid relational distress without a joint vision, either!

Expectations – It can be healthy, even necessary, to have some expectations in any relationship. But some expectations can be little more than a source for distress in a relationship.

Poor boundaries – One therapist noted, “Love can’t exist without boundaries, even with your children.” Having poor or no appropriate boundaries, or not respecting the boundaries of others, will result in sharp distress in relationships.

Disrespect – It can be possible to love someone you don’t respect with the love of Christ, but you won’t like them. When you don’t respect someone, the reason why will likely result in creating distress in the relationship.

Understanding what is the root cause of distress in a relationship is the first necessary step to achieving resolution or reconciliation. There can be other reasons for relational distress than those listed here, but these are very common sources for trouble I’ve identified. If you’re experiencing distress in any of your relationships, a competent, skilled Christian clinical therapist can help you identify what’s the source of your distress, and how you can work to resolve it.

Scotty