Harboring resentment only hurts yourself …

Cartoon of wife to marriage counselor, regarding husband:

“And then, do you know what he did on our honeymoon, just 21 years ago?”

When people do something that offends us, we can resolve the matter then and there, or do the foolish thing of fostering resentment against the person. Resentment does nothing to fix any harm done to a relationship; instead, it is an internal grinding of anger and acrimony that eats away at our own peace and character. Charles Sell, in his book, “Unfinished Business,” illustrates how resentment ruined the life of one famous man …

Armand M. Nicholi, M.D., professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, explains that Sigmund Freud died at the age of 83, a bitter and disillusioned man. Tragically, this Viennese physician, one of the most influential thinkers of our time, had little compassion for the common person. Freud wrote in 1918, “I have found little that is good about human beings on the whole. In my experience most of them are trash, no matter whether they publicly subscribe to this or that ethical doctrine or to none at all” (Veritas Reconsidered, p. 36). Freud died friendless. It is well-known that he had broken with each of his followers. The end was bitter.

Someone once said, “No matter how long you nurse a grudge, it doesn’t get better.” Missionary and theologian, E. Stanley Jones, described resentment as follows:

A rattlesnake, if cornered, will sometimes become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is — a biting of oneself. We think that we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves.

Fostering resentment accomplishes nothing good in a relationship, or in the life of the angry, brooding person who keeps alive in their mind events that others have long forgotten. Comedian Buddy Hackett once commented, “I’ve had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you’re carrying a grudge, they’re out dancing.”

Because resentment fosters a sinful attitude toward others, causing damage to ourselves, scripture is clear that any such behavior needs to be purged from the lives of those who are disciples of Jesus:

“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many,” Hebrews 12:15.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you,” Ephesians 4:31-32.

Harboring resentment against someone can actually interfere with our relationship with God, so we are commanded to deal with the issue so that it doesn’t impede our communion with God …

“But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too,” Mark 11:25.

Precisely how a person can overcome resentment can vary a little based on multiple variants, but here are a few steps that can be taken in most any situation where a person needs to overcome resentment:

Face the truth. The more we foster a resentful attitude toward someone, the more irrational our thinking will become. The more we play over and over and over in our minds an offense from someone, the more prone we are to exaggerate it. Thus, it’s important to identify afresh what the real root cause of your resentment is. Face the truth.

Own your part. As you face the truth of the original issue, it’s important that you own any complicity on your part. How did you contribute to the problem between you and the other person?

Seek forgiveness. Now that you’ve faced the truth, are thinking rationally, and have identified how you were complicit in the trouble between you and the other person, you may need to seek forgiveness for your words and actions.

Make a decision to forgive the other person. No matter what the truth is about the issue, or even if you weren’t complicit in any way, resentment never ends until we make a choice to forgive the other person. Forgiveness is a choice, and it’s an act of grace, which the Holy Spirit can empower us to extend to others. As God has forgiven us when we did not deserve forgiveness, we can choose to forgive those who do wrong to us. “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others,” Colossians 3:13.

STOP ruminating! Once you have sincerely forgiven the other person, that act of forgiveness must be the end of your playing the event over and over again in your mind. If your forgiveness was sincere, you shouldn’t want to play the event in your mind anymore, but you may have kept the issue alive in your thoughts for so long it has become a habit. If there’s any temptation to allow old thoughts to flare up, redirect those thoughts and PRAY! Seek the power of God to redirect your mind onto positive things (Phil. 4:8).

Scotty