Having a child-centered marriage can lead to marital drift …

The real-life scenario described by the couple who recently sat on a couch across from me isn’t an unusual one.

We were in an office in a church building, and the couple told of being married for more than two decades, being committed Christians, and even working on staff for a while in one of the church ministries.

They claimed they still loved one another.

So what was the problem?

She wanted a divorce.

What quickly became evident was that this couple, like so many before them, spent most of their married years placing their children at the center of their family, thereby robbing their marriage of the attention it needed. For them, everything centered around the needs and interests of their children.

Not their marriage relationship.

And not even Christ.

This couple lived for their children.

Now that the children were grown up and out of the home, the two people remaining in the house were strangers. They had drifted apart from each other as husband and wife, choosing instead to wrap their identities and energies into being mom and dad, focusing all their interests and personal investments into their kids.

For some reason, to Americans that sounds right.

Parents are supposed to live for their children, right?

No.

Not unless you want to prepare yourself for being strangers to the person you’re supposed to love second only to God — and that isn’t your children, it’s your spouse.

Many parents who wind up in this kind of scenario have been deeply influenced by a negative experience from their own childhoods. Many parents grew up in households that were rocked by divorce, a traumatic experience that caused many to be determined they would not be like their parents, that they would love their children and “give them the best life possible,” thinking that meant making life all about the children. The crucial error in that reasoning was missing the two things their children needed most: parents who would raise them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord so that they would grow up to be faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, and providing their children with the example of a godly marriage that would last a lifetime. Instead of doing that, all the attention, resources, and energy from the household were poured into making the children the center of the family, so over the years, as mom focused on being mom and dad focused on being dad, little attention was given to being husband and wife. The result were two strangers living together once the nest was empty, and a lack of willingness to rekindle a marriage relationship.

“It’s time to open a new chapter in life” is often the excuse for pursuing a divorce rather than rebuilding a neglected marriage.

THE DRIFT THAT DROWNS A MARRIAGE

Genesis 2:24 states, “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

In that covenant relationship of three — God, husband, and wife — the husband and wife leave their childhood homes and are united as one, and together they will create their own household with God at the center, and then the marriage relationship (with God even in the center of that). Finally added are children, who are joyful additions to the family, but not permanent residences of the household. They, like their parents, will eventually leave their households to be united as one to their spouses and build their own households.

The enduring relationship of the household is to be the marriage, which is supposed to last a lifetime, not just the length of time children are in the home.

Drifting from this biblical model for marriage will drown a marital relationship in interests other than an enduring love of your spouse. A tragic outcome among today’s couples who find themselves with an “empty nest” and living with a stranger, is that many couples claim they’re so tired from being mom and dad for so many years that they don’t have the energy (or interest) in putting in the work of rekindling their marriage.

SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE BY ELIMINATING DRIFT AND …

Couples who want to avoid such marriage-wrecking drift can do so by reordering their values: God first, foremost, and in all; spouse second only to God; then children.

Such values means the family, and all the relationships in it, are centered on God; that God is the foundation for the household. All decisions, desires, interests, and use of resources (including the priceless resource of time) flow from an overwhelming love for, and devotion to God.

Following that, the husband and wife then make the marriage the most important human relationship in their lives, and model this reality every day to their children.

Finally, a family life grows out of these two primary relationships.

By reordering the household, this doesn’t mean there won’t be times when a couple chooses to make certain sacrifices for their children. But it will likely mean that the children will have to forego some things to maintain the value order of the household. For example, no longer will the schedule of sports activities reign supreme in the household, often sending parents in separate directions (contributing to “drift”) to get children where they need to go. There is no experience in sports equal or superior to the value of children having parents with a strong, loving, enduring marriage.

Have you allowed marital drift to seep into your marriage? That can be corrected! It begins with both the husband and wife re-ordering their values first personally, and then as a couple, and finally with their children as a household )doing this will likely require some confession and repentance of sin). Making a home child-centered doesn’t just cause a couple to drift from one another, it also causes them to drift from God. When children are placed on a pedestal and valued over God and spouse, the marriage relationship AND the personal relationships with God are hurt and must be corrected. If not, you could be exposing your marriage to drift that leads to divorce, and disobedience to God that leads to wrecking your faith.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

Take a moment today and examine the order of relationships in your household. Is God first, central, and above all? Is your spouse second only to God? Is it out of those loving relationships that you parent your children? If not, what are you going to do about the misalignment of values?

Scotty