Enmeshment creates a dysfunctional family …

You may have heard the phrase “helicopter parent,” referring to a parent who is always “hovering” around their child, never giving them any personal space or freedom to develop without the interference of a parent. Such behavior is a warning sign that a family may be experiencing the dysfunction of “enmeshment.”

Enmeshment is a psychological term referring to the blurring of boundaries between people, usually in a family system (but sometimes in other relationships such as friendships). The enmeshment usually results in a dysfunctional family system where there is a lack of natural, healthy autonomy and independence, resulting in problems in the relationships.

A therapist for GoodTherapy explains, “The concept of enmeshment was introduced by family therapist Salvador Minuchin in the 1970s. Typically, boundaries that help determine how close family members are to each other, as well as who participates in specific family matters, exist within a family system. When these boundaries blur or are not clearly defined, the result may be enmeshment, a situation in which family members are close to an extent that it becomes difficult for each member to establish the level of independence considered healthy by most mental health and family therapy experts.”

It is natural for families to value close and intimate relationships, but enmeshment exceeds the bonds of a close family. One therapist noted, “Enmeshment may mean a parent centers their actions or emotions on the child(ren) and their successes or mistakes, attempts to know and direct all of the child’s thoughts or feelings, and relies heavily on the child(ren) for emotional support. Enmeshment can be problematic because it can prevent people from developing a sense of self, engaging in peer relationships, and learning to self-regulate emotions. Children of enmeshed families may also experience diminished distress tolerance and find it difficult to assert themselves later in life.”

Signs of enmeshment might include:

• • An inability to control emotional involvement with another person.
  • Lack of appropriate privacy between parent and child.
  • A parent being overly involved in their child’s activities or achievements.
  • An exaggerated sense of empathy and responsibility for the other person’s feelings.
  • A child being “best friends” with a parent.
  • A parent confiding secrets to a child.
  • Guilt or anxiety when not preoccupied with the other person’s experience.
  • A parent telling one child that they are the favorite.
  • One child receiving special privileges from a parent.
  • Intense fear of conflict in the relationship.
  • An inability to feel happy if the other person is unhappy.

The therapist for GoodTherapy describes how enmeshment can negatively impact a family system:

• While enmeshment in families can increase one’s sense of belonging, it can also have a harmful impact. Members of enmeshed families often fail to adequately develop an individual sense of identity and self-esteem. They may avoid taking healthy risks and trying new things, both of which are typically believed to be important aspects of the developmental process. Some individuals affected by enmeshment may feel controlled, which might lead to resistance of parental influence or complete withdrawal. Others may feel overly responsible for the emotions of others and guilty when they tend to, or even acknowledge, their own needs.

Research shows that enmeshment often leads to difficulty regulating one’s own emotions, but enmeshment can also negatively affect future relationships. Those who have grown up in enmeshed families may have difficulty developing appropriate and balanced frienships with peers and trusting people outside of their immediate family. They may guard themselves in intimate relationships, fearing that engaging in a relationship will be overly draining, which may result in a lack of intimacy. Alternatively, they may find themselves seeking out relationships in which they are responsible for caring for a partner, repeating what was learned in childhood.

Unless the issue of enmeshment is resolved, the dysfunctional relationship can follow the child into adulthood and have negative consequences for the family. Let’s look at an example from a real mother-daughter who had an enmeshed relationship. The relationship between Jane (the mother) and Sally (the daughter) included all the potential symptoms listed above. Jane had no parental boundaries with Sally, always wanting to know every thought and action from Sally, treating Sally as a “best friend” and confiding adult secrets to her. She also expected to be involved in every aspect of Sally’s life.

As a child, Sally thought her mother was showing her love, but as she entered her adolescent years, she began to feel a conflict of emotions about her her mother – at times feeling “smothered” by her mother, but also feeling like she needed her mother’s opinion for everything.

This enmeshed relationship continued into Sally’s adulthood and into her marriage to John, who Jane resented for siphoning away some of Sally’s attention to her mother. Even though Sally was married, Jane bore into the marriage relationship to continue her influence in Sally’s life to such a degree that, after some years, John finally divorced Sally because Jane, herself, had become a wedge between them.

Families don’t have to subject themselves to this dysfunction and potentially be torn apart due to enmeshment. A competent, skilled therapist can help families understand the problem of enmeshment in their relationships and can teach them how to untangle themselves from it by developing a healthy family system.

Scotty