10 reasons why some people don’t get along with others …
Have you ever known someone who just seemed unable to get along with other people?
Have you ever been that kind of person?
The Carnegie Institute of Technology has reported that 90 percent of all people who fail in their life’s vocation fail because they cannot get along with people.
That’s a serious, life-impacting problem! So let’s identify 10 reasons why some people don’t get along with others:
1. Sin. The single greatest destroyer of relationships (of any kind), peace, unity, and harmony is sin. At the core of sin is selfishness, and when we’re always looking after ourselves at the expense of others, we’ll fail in our relationships.
2. Temperament weaknesses. Temperament is that God-created, in-born part of us that determines how we respond to people, places, and things. When we allow ourselves to function from our temperament weakness rather than from our temperament strengths, we can quickly become the kind of person who doesn’t get along with other people. For example, the strength of the Choleric temperament is strong leadership ability; the weakness is a penchant for being controlling, domineering, and manipulative. No one likes that kind of person!
3. Faulty thinking. Irrational self-talk negatively skews our understanding of others and issues, and hampers our interactions with them. Patterns of cognitive distortions can become habitual, and lead us to think, assess, and respond in ways detrimental to any kind of relationship. For example. the cognitive distortion of magnification and minimization can become a habit of always magnifying errors and minimizing successes – either yours or those of others. This can make you the kind of person who doesn’t get along with others.
4. Mental illness. When a person suffers from a mental illness, it can be difficult to apply ourselves to interacting with others in a consistently positive manner. For example, a person experiencing clinical depression may want to have positive, close friendships, but may struggle with the energy to do what it takes to consistently be that kind of friend. And other people may (often will) be lacking in understanding of your mental illness; ignorance by others about mental illness often results in the stigmatizing and shunning of the person with the mental illness.
5. Lack of discipline. Usually the person who doesn’t get along with others can do better at relationships than they do, they just don’t try because they’re either unwilling or too lazy to exercise the appropriate level of self-discipline required for relational success.
6. Bad habits. Some people think that everyone should like them “warts and all” and do nothing to edit themselves, so they bring all of their bad habits into their relationships. Whether it’s chronically being late to work, not being reliable, cursing in workplace settings, or being insensitive to the needs of others, these and other habits are called “bad” for a reason – no one will like you if you persist with them!
7. Poor communication skills. Not being a good listener, and lacking the skill to communicate with someone else effectively is one of the leading problems in our interactions with others. Sometimes we’re poor communicators because of poor effort, or not caring, but often it’s because of lack of skill development in effective communications. Some good news is that anyone can learn core communication skills to help them relate effectively with other people.
8. Inflexible. Insisting not only that things go how they want them to, but that others BE like who they want them to be, is an inflexible attitude that will quickly result in not getting along with others.
9. Unwilling to accept differences. Some people are sinful enough to be unwilling to positively engage with people who are different from them. There’s no chance in getting along with others with this attitude because no chance is allowed for.
10. Don’t care. Occasionally, you’ll meet someone who doesn’t get along with others because they only care about themselves, they do not care about others.
Other than how people may respond to a person with a mental illness, all of these reasons for not getting along with others are self-inflicted sources for relational failure. That means they can all be corrected, if only a person is willing to change.
Scotty
July 16, 2020 at 10:59 pm
I looked at this list because I have been having trouble getting along with people. From your list, it’s because Mental Illness (I have Autism Spectrum, ADD, and language processing and receptive disorder), poor communication skills, and maybe temperament weaknesses (not my fault-I don’t know what my strengths are because people are always listing my weaknesses which makes it hard for me to function from my temperament strengths, if I have any).
July 17, 2020 at 1:08 pm
Hi Farrah, thanks for sharing. If you find you have some troublesome areas in your life that create problems for interacting with others, let me suggest that meeting with a skilled Christian counselor or church pastor could help you work on ways Of overcoming the issues so you can better interact with others.
August 21, 2020 at 1:42 pm
🙏 Thanks
September 7, 2020 at 3:47 pm
You’re welcome!
September 22, 2020 at 11:15 am
This has been going on for years. My kids hate me. Every time I speak it’s like you’re starting trouble. My kids are all adults. And all my kids go around saying I need help. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I moved far away. They don’t call me. They spend more time with there in-laws. I feel bad. But I don’t tell them. Because everything I say. They say here you go again. Or stop mom. So they stop talking to me for years. I love my kids so much. I’m just lost and lonely!. And with there dad they get along perfect. Even though my ex husband molested my daughter and I pulled her away from him took him to court. I did the right thing. But they don’t see it. I’m always the bad persons.
September 24, 2020 at 6:39 pm
Hello Tricia, thank you for sharing. I’m very sorry to hear about such difficulty in the relationships with your family. It could help you if you are part of a church to seek counseling help from your pastor or church leaders, they may be able to help you identify what the key issues are in your family dynamics and work toward reconciliation. If not, talking with a skilled and experienced clinical counselor could be of great benefit. Key is to identify what is the root of the problem, much of what you shared are likely symptoms. I can understand your emotions and strongly encourage you to get some help in an effort to be able to reconcile.
July 30, 2022 at 7:51 pm
hi I’m responding to your article I have a similar problem with my son who is 24 now wow I can really relate to you
July 31, 2022 at 11:51 am
Hi Tricia, I’m sorry to hear your son is struggling with some of the issues noted in the article. As noted in the last paragraph, what will be important for him is a personal willingness to change, as all of the issues are something a person can choose to change (other than mental illness, and there’s much a person can do to overcome, or manage well, mental illness). Hopefully, he’ll make some wise decisions.
November 8, 2020 at 7:18 pm
Selfishness is the biggest problem I take
November 9, 2020 at 8:29 am
Thanks for the comment, Sheldon. Selfish certainly is a core problem of humanity!
November 16, 2020 at 7:54 pm
I have a Chronic Anxiety Disorder. People feel that when there around me and it seems to piss them off. Wich only makes my Anxiety skyrocket and then I come across as weak and insecure.
November 16, 2020 at 10:19 pm
Dave, thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you struggle with an anxiety disorder, and quite sorry that you experience poor responses from others. There’s an enormous ignorance regarding mental health issues, and so many don’t know how to handle well that ignorance. The good news is that there really is effective treatment for anxiety disorders, and if you haven’t already, I strongly encourage you to seek out a competent mental health professional, it could be a life-changing experience for you. Key to helping you is identifying the root cause for your anxiety, and then treating that properly. A skilled Cognitive-Behavioral therapist could especially help you with your thought life and self-talk, and specifically how to deal with people who may not respond well to you. Of course, with effective treatment for your anxiety, how others respond would become a lesser issue. There really is good hope for what you struggle with.
October 19, 2022 at 9:52 am
James I have a similar problem , it seems when one person post something on facebook many people will respond positivly if I post the same thing no one responds and it used to not be like that . the poblem i had was if I went outside my home town I seem like a different person but when i attend some function people actt like they dont want to know me . Now if i go outside of my hometown i am almost like different person . for instance when i went to college i had a easier time talking to women. there was one vo tech that everytime i went there i was being called geek because of my glasses so I was always getting into confrontations everytime i turned around. when i went to college i had confrontations but it wasnt as bad as it was at the votech i previously attended.
when i moved away from where i was raised i hit it off with the laddies but i when i came back and got on facebook my problems have flared up again.
October 19, 2022 at 10:33 am
Thomas, thanks for sharing. There’s a simple answer (simple, not always easy to live out), so I’ll cut right to it – it’s believing the Gospel message of Jesus Christ, and letting the Holy Spirit transform you into His likeness. When we learn to be the person God intends for us to be, and live for Him, we become unconcerned about living for the acceptance of others. Even if we had the acceptance of all people, that would not fulfill us, for we were created by Jesus Christ FOR Him (that’s our purpose). I encourage you to live for an audience of one, the God who created you. Doing that, and you’ll be able to navigate what else comes your way.
November 25, 2020 at 5:44 pm
I love my wife dearly! Sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. Surprise Surprise !! She tends to squee the facts some. For me this is the worst anyone could do. She gets upset, raises her voice. I tell her I heard what she said. Then I raise my voice. Are we wasting our time ??? Definitely !! I do have Mental Depression and bipolar disorder
November 26, 2020 at 4:30 pm
Thanks for sharing, Pete. If you find this tension with your wife to be something you’re struggling to resolve, you might want to consider spending some time with a competent marriage counselor. Among other things, a skilled therapist can help the two of you develop more positive and effective communication skills that will help you enjoy a more collaborative marriage.
December 21, 2020 at 5:44 pm
How do you deal w OCD And person who you can reason with. Person always wants be in control and will raise voice or do whatever to get their way. Mental illness and not bring cooperative then later sorry & will cooperate till next time which could be that night. No requard for others sleep. I dont kniw how to help ..17 year old. Please keep confidential. I. Crying out to God tonight for answers..found your website. Needs help but I’m not good in mental field. Seems this teen lives the Lord..lots anxiety.washes hands alot. :(. 701 866 1297..my email not working so leaving my cell. Appreciate prayer & any answers. .
December 22, 2020 at 12:11 pm
Jael, thanks for sharing. Please know much more information would be needed to fully respond to the bits and pieces you have shared here. If you suspect a family member has OCD, an actual diagnosis by a competent therapist is needed, then a thorough treatment plan could be put together and implemented. Additionally, it would be very beneficial if you also worked with that therapist so you can learn about OCD and how to improve your relationship with the person with the diagnosis and how you can support them. I would also encourage you to start by meeting with your pastor, sharing with him your concerns and needs, and gaining support from your local church. This link https://tinyurl.com/jh95ttb is to an article that might be useful, but working directly with a therapist for your family would be best for you.
March 15, 2021 at 11:14 pm
Hi. Thanks a lot Dr for this topic. You just described me. I m really suffering from this. Any advice please? 🙂
March 16, 2021 at 10:35 am
If you identify with multiple of these, I would encourage you to meet with your pastor and/or a competent mental health professional to help you overcome these behaviors.
June 29, 2021 at 12:54 am
This is very informative and unfortunately I checked the list for most items, I just always depended on people being nice to me and them making the effort to maintain a friendship, that now I’m 23 and the only people willing to do that is men. I really hope I can change these things unless I wanna end up alone and miserable.
June 29, 2021 at 11:13 am
I’m glad the post was helpful. God can help you make all the changes you need to make to be the person He created you to be!
July 5, 2021 at 2:50 pm
Excellent post! I love reading and learning more about the human condition.
Thank-you!
July 5, 2021 at 4:28 pm
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it!
March 24, 2022 at 10:09 pm
Guilty of all of 10 of them. In my 50s now with absolutely no one around. Such a terrible condition to be self aware of, with the incapacity to do anything about it. Every day is drenched with the agony of surviving the crewelty of others that unite in taking shots at my spirit. I dont understand what I did to deserve all this.
March 25, 2022 at 11:12 am
Hello Mary! Thank you for sharing your comment, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing cruelty from others. However, if anyone is experiencing the 10 negative traits described in the blog post, everyone can change from doing so, and making those personal changes could greatly increase the likelihood of being treated differently. If that’s your case, I would encourage you to get whatever help you need to make those changes.
May 23, 2022 at 8:36 am
I just wanted to say thank you for this article, even 4 years ago. Relevant to me today for a broken friendship, the breakage of which I initiated. I see that I have a lot to fix in myself. She said that she can’t trust me because of my in-and-out ways, always blocking her after a visit. I just feel like we don’t fit together. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, right or wrong. But I am finding a lot of room for improvement in myself. She can be her… but I have to fix me.
I’m glad that there are people that can help with this kind of stuff!
May 23, 2022 at 12:14 pm
Thank you, Dalen, for sharing. I’m sorry to hear of your broken relationship, perhaps that can mended in the future, but I’m happy for you that you can step back, be introspective, and identify changes that could (and, therefore, likely should) be made. That’s the first step forward, to see in ourselves what’s not right and move toward change. God bless you!
July 28, 2022 at 10:01 pm
Hi, I came across this while looking for help for my issues. What a lovely surpise when it turns out to be Godly and non-secular. I like to call that a ‘God-incidence’.
I’m considering CBT, and would love to go down the Christian route, but as I’m not working, it’ll have to be nhs.
That’s my problem, I’m struggling to stay in work. I start off really sociable (too sociable?), then my self talk starts, and I get anxious, panicky etc.
I’m almost ashamed to admit this, but have to be honest. i just don’t like non-Christian people. I’m fed up of listening to the same old worldly drivel about economy, politics, sickness etc. I yearn for Christian fellowship, sound Biblical discussions and real lovers of Jesus, to help me grow in my love for Him. I want to confess my sins to others, so that I might be healed. But I can’t trust no-one.
July 29, 2022 at 1:22 pm
Hello Deni! Thank you for sharing your comment, and for sending the prayer request. I have emailed to you a response to both, and our team of Prayer Partners are praying for you. I think stepping into the fellowship of a local, biblically-sound church is an important first step in helping you move forward.
September 26, 2023 at 6:05 am
Lack of discipline, selfishness, controlling, manipulative…you won’t hear these terms in the secular world. Which is where i live now, after growing up so sheltered that it was quite the shock when I went to college. But some people are inately kind and good not matter how they were raised , or the trauma they’ve experianced. What motivates them? Do they even have a motive? Well they’re definately NOT selfish.
September 26, 2023 at 11:42 pm
I don’t get along well with my siblings l realized l don’t add value to anything they do .l also do not get along well with my inlaws l suffer a lot of rejection from them. I am a good person why do l have to be treated like this. When ever l help people they turn and hurt me . My Pastor sites that is a call upon my life that is causing all this What is your understanding of this situation.
September 27, 2023 at 9:33 am
Thanks for sharing. I don’t have enough information about you and your life to have an understanding of this, but I would encourage you to connect with a Christian counselor who is able to help you work through this issue.
February 25, 2024 at 11:51 pm
Hello, Mr. Scott I could identify with almost all of the ten things listed and my husband of 35 years is worse than me. But my kids love him the most because he strives to be their friend while I tell it like it is. I suffered from rejection and depression most of my life and my church makes sure I am distanced from others. Do you have any suggestions for me?
February 26, 2024 at 8:37 am
Hi Louise, thanks for your comment. To be specific to your life, I would need to know much more about you. But the Apostle Paul writes something regarding how to speak to, and interact with others as a Christian that may help you. In Ephesians 4:15, Paul writes, “… we will speak the truth in love …” I’m often concerned when people describe themselves or others as “I tell it like it is.” It’s vital we be committed to speaking truth, always!, but it also should ALWAYS be done in love. To not speak the truth is to not be loving, but to speak the truth without doing it in love can be, at times, be mean or even cruel. Even when people don’t want to hear the truth but they see love demonstrated in the delivering of it, they can see good and appropriate motives from the teller of truth; but when truth is dispensed without love, it can make a person be quite unlikeable.
October 28, 2024 at 12:26 pm
Im miserable my family hates me
October 29, 2024 at 2:52 am
I’m sorry to hear that. If you haven’t already, I would encourage you to send some help from your pastor for some help to see if you can improve those relationships.