Applying common coping mechanisms usually fails to help you cope …

We settle too easily.

Life is so much bigger than us that we’re happy if we can cope with all that we’re faced with in life. Too many of us settle for coping rather than thriving.

“Coping” is the conscious effort to reduce stress. “Coping mechanisms” are the strategies people often use in the face of stress and/or trauma to help manage difficult and/or painful emotions. But there’s a big problem — most of the common coping mechanisms people employ usually fail at helping cope, and certainly are ineffective at helping us thrive.

Let’s briefly examine the top 10 coping mechanisms people use. The first six are the more negative coping mechanisms; the last four are the more positive coping mechanisms:

Repression – The act of pushing unhappy/painful thoughts into the unconscious mind. Examples of repression include: A child who is abused by a parent later has no recollection of the events, but has trouble forming relationships. A woman who found childbirth particularly painful continues to have children (and each time the level of pain is surprising). An optimist remembers the past with a rosy glow and constantly repeats mistakes.

Denial – Refusal to accept reality. Examples of denial include: A man hears that his wife has been killed, and yet refuses to believe it, still setting the table for her and keeping her clothes and other accoutrements in the bedroom. People take credit for their successes and find “good reason” for their failures, blaming the situation, other people, etc. Optimists deny that things may go wrong, and pessimists deny they may succeed.

Rationalization – Substitute acceptable reasons for real motives. Examples of rationalization include: A person evades paying taxes and then rationalizes it by talking about how the government wastes money (and how it is better for people to keep what they can). A person fails to get good enough results to get into a chosen university and then say they didn’t want to go there anyway.

Projection – Passing off personal unacceptable feelings to someone else. Examples of projection include: I do not like another person but I have a value that says I should like everyone. So I project onto them that they do not like me. This allows me to avoid them and also to handle my own feelings of dislike. An unfaithful husband suspects his wife of infidelity.

Reaction Formation – Adopting attitudes and behaviors which are opposite of what you feel. Examples of reaction formation include: A person who is angry with a colleague actually ends up being particularly courteous and friendly towards them. A mother who has a child she does not want becomes very protective of the child.

Displacement – Redirecting feelings from the true source to a false source. Examples of displacement include: The boss gets angry and shouts at an employee. He goes home and shouts at his wife. She then shouts at her son. With nobody left to displace anger onto, he kicks the dog.

Altruism – Helps yourself by helping and giving to others. Examples of altruism include: Volunteering to serve the homeless. A “self-made” millionaire who grew up in poverty sets up a charitable foundation and gains great pleasure from how it helps others get out of the poverty trap. She receives social accolade and public recognition for her good deeds.

Humor – Laugh to cover fear. Examples of humor as a coping mechanism include: Laughing about something embarrassing rather being afraid of what others think. You trip and almost fall but there was nothing present to make you trip; you’re able to laugh about how silly you looked.

Suppression – Deliberate conscious decision to ignore an unpleasant subject. Examples of suppression include: A person becomes enraged with a co-worker and would like to hit them but suppresses the violent desire and has empathy for them. A person is about to take a short-cut down an alley. There are some people down there. The person decides to take the longer but more “interesting” route.

Sublamation – Redirection of unacceptable drives into socially acceptable drives. Examples of sublamation include: I am angry. I go out and chop wood. I end up with a useful pile of firewood. I am also fitter and nobody is harmed. A person who has an obsessive need for control and order becomes a successful business entrepreneur.

If most of these “coping mechanisms” don’t really help us cope, what can we do to at least cope, and hopefully go beyond that to thriving in the “fullness of life” that Jesus described He has for us (John 10:10)? Practice the spiritual disciplines Christians are taught to make a permanent part of their lives;

• • Being a student of the Bible replaces faulty thinking and irrational perspectives with truth.
  • Prayer and faith provides a perfect, loving, all-knowing, all-powerful person to talk to and rely upon.
  • Relationship with the Holy Spirit gives us illumination of God’s direction and power for living.
  • Fellowship with other disciples of Jesus Christ gives us a loving support system.
  • Worship and praise helps us keep our focus on Jesus Christ as He provides a way for us.
  • Love becomes our default for all interactions and relationships.
  • Forgiveness subordinates the harm caused in life’s experiences.

Obeying God, and fully embracing the new person you have become in Christ not only helps you cope in this life, but it enables you to thrive, to experience the fullness of life Jesus has for you.

SOME ADDITIONAL COPING SKILLS
Some additional positive skills for coping with stress so that you can thrive are a lot of life skills recommendations you’ve probably heard before … you hear them a lot from me! Things like:

• • Having a consistent diet of healthy nutrition.
  • A lifestyle of regular exercise.
  • Adequate amounts of sleep, with healthy sleep patterns.
  • Using some relaxation techniques.
  • Improve your breathing to a slower, deeper pattern.
  • Learn to be aware of your self-talk and how to direct it so you can consistently think rationally.
  • Build your self- and other- awareness.
  • Learn to practice self-discipline.
  • Foster and maintain positive, supportive close relationships.

Are you finding yourself struggling with just coping with life? Do not hesitate to make an appoint with your pastor or a competent Christian counselor or therapist to get any help you need.

Scotty