Learn how to add this to your listening skills to enhance communication …

Have you heard this story?

One day, a youngster was really excited about getting to go fish with his dad. The inquisitive 7-year-old had lots of questions.

“Dad,” he asked, “what makes this boat float?”

The father replied, “Son, I don’t rightly know.”

A few moments later the youngster asked, “Dad, how can fish breathe below the water?”

The father replied, “Son, I don’t rightly know.”

After a few minutes of silence the youngster had another question, “Dad, why is the sky blue?”

The father again replied, “Son, I don’t rightly know.”

Another few minutes passed in silence when the youngster asked, “Dad, does it bother you that I’m always asking questions?”

His father thought for a moment and said, “No, son, it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I’m glad you ask questions. How else will you learn anything if you don’t ask questions?”

Sometimes the answers we are seeking from the questions we ask might not be immediately available, nevertheless, asking questions is an effective way of building our knowledge and enhancing our understanding.

In fact, as a certified instructor for the nationally-acclaimed, award-winning Couple Communication I workshop, I teach couples how to effectively add asking questions into their listening skills to enhance their understanding of what their partner is communicating. But there are some key points to using questions correctly and effectively, such as:

First, make sure you’re listening for understanding. Most of us have a habit of not necessarily listening to our partners, but waiting for them to stop talking so we can start talking. For effective, collaborative communication, you want to listen for understanding.

Second, in general, when you’re listening, make sure you’re not talking. There are some specific skills we teach to help you not talk so you can stay focused on what your partner is actually saying.

Now, how to add asking questions. As you listen attentively to your partner, they may say something you don’t understand or confuses you. It is appropriate at that time to ask clarifying questions. Some keys to doing this effectively are:

• • Motive – Make sure you are asking questions only to clarify what they just said.
  • Unintrusive – Your purpose for asking questions is not to intrude on their opportunity to talk. Be sure your questions are not asked with an intent to interrupt, derail, redirect, or influence what they are saying. You will have your time to respond once you have fully listened to understand.
  • Concise – Ask short, concise questions meant to seek clarification of what they said. Do not make statements, don’t “quiz” your partner, and don’t ask “leading” questions intended to change the content of what they said. Again, your purpose is only to ask questions that clarify what you did not understand.
  • Quiet! – Don’t ask any questions or make any comments that are not necessary to your gaining understanding by listening.
  • But don’t hesitate – Don’t be afraid to briefly interject with a relevant question or questions when you don’t understand something your partner said. Gaining clarity at that moment will enhance your listening for understanding.

As you’re listening to your partner with the right motive of sincerely seeking to understand them, how will you learn if you don’t ask questions when they say something you don’t understand? Just learn to do it properly and in a manner that is respectful to the collaborative communication process.

Scotty