Let’s bust a harmful marriage myth …

There’s a popular myth about marriage that can be harmful to marriages. In fact, it has been a root cause for many divorces.

You’ve likely heard this harmful myth communicated as well-intentioned advice, offered something like this …

A guy says to his friend, “You’re really serious about marriage? Well just remember bro, when you get married, you’re marrying her family as well.”

No you aren’t.

At least you shouldn’t be.

Before we go any further, let me clarify what I’m NOT about to say. I’m NOT saying that when a man and woman marry that they don’t keep — even cherish — close ties with their family (parents, siblings, etc.). i’m not saying they no longer seek counsel from their parents; in fact, I would say the opposite. I would hope grown, married adults maintain close, loving relationships with family members and respect counsel from their parents throughout their lifetime.

But now let’s look at what I AM saying. I am saying that a part of the relationship a man and woman have with their family changes in that they leave their parent’s households to form their own. The parents are no longer the primary influence or first people they seek for counsel and direction, that role now goes to the spouse. This is by God’s design:

“‘At last!’ the man exclaimed. ‘This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called “woman,” because she was taken from “man.”‘ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one,” Genesis 2:3-24.

This plan of God’s — for a man and woman to leave the households of their youth to form their own, separate and unique household (“united into one”) — is important enough that the apostle Paul repeats it in Ephesians 5:31.

The best case scenario is that the groom will love his bride’s family as his own, and that the bride will love her groom’s family as her own, and the parents and families of the bride and groom will love and support this couple as their own … but with everyone acknowledging that this couple is now creating their own household which is distinct from the homes they come from. This new relationship is a collaboration of two lives now uniting as one to create something new; they will draw on what they have learned and where they come from, but the future will be what they create with faith in, and obedience to God.

As the couple goes forward in their new lives, they may seek advice from their parents, but that isn’t the starting point, now they look to God and one another, and then work out from there.

When people really do live out the myth that you “marry the family,” what has often happened is a wife or husband who really did not leave their parent’s households, but maintain their influence above that of their spouse. In other words, the wife may always be seeking the advice of her father, even though it’s in contradiction to what her husband thinks, or a husband may be the “mama’s boy” who’s always running home to mom for anything he needs. Or a parent insist that their “child” listen to then in contradiction to their spouse. In many cases, this inappropriate ordering of relationships — and their influence — has resulted in many unncessary divorces.

All because the man and woman failed to unite as one in the formation of their own, new, unique household.

If you’re considering getting married, do NOT marry the family! Take them as your own, honor and love them, respect them, seek their counsel, but first go establish your own household. If you are married and have made the mistake of “marrying the family” to the point of entanglements that are now causing strife in your marriage, then partner with your spouse to re-order your own household, and then together work with your families to communicate that you’re making positive, biblical changes to put your own house in order and what that means regarding influence and interference.

One final note for PASTORS: You can help young adults and their families avoid this harmful marriage myth by meeting with everyone as part of pre-marital counseling and teaching about the need for a man and woman to leave their childhood homes to forge their own in a collaborative marriage. By helping everyone understand what that might look like, you can help everyone involved avoid the temptation to interfere in ways they shouldn’t, and how the different relationships can thrive in support of the newlyweds.

Scotty