Three keys for building a marriage that can last a lifetime …

One of the greatest challenges of human history is putting two or more human beings near one another and then minimizing conflict.

That’s because at the core of who we are is selfishness. We’re all plagued with it, and it causes great problems between people in general, and in marriages in particular. So it’s helpful when we can discover keys to overcoming our selfishness so that we can nurture greater harmony and enjoyment in our interactions with others.

A newspaper reporter had heard about an elderly couple who lived in his town who were celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary, so he decided to interview the couple to see if he could glean some nuggets of wisdom regarding how to have a happy, lasting marriage.

As the reporter sat across from the couple in their quaint little home, he asked the husband, “So what do you think is the success to your marriage enduring for 75 years?”

The bespectacled, white-haired fellow lowered his head in thought for a moment, then responded, “Well, when we first got married, we agreed not to let anger with one another get out of control and hurt our relationship. So my wife agreed that when she got mad, she’d clean the house; and I agreed when I got mad, I’d go for a walk. I guess the secret to our marriage is over the years we’ve had a pristine home and I’ve largely lived an outdoor life!”

That’s … not really an example you would want to emulate, regardless of how long they’d been married!

There are multiple important “keys” to an enjoyable, lasting marriage that would take much more space than we have here. But let me share three very practical keys to building a marriage that can last a lifetime:

1. Embrace the concept that marriage is leaving the self life for a shared life. Many couples enter into marriage not really comprehending this. Instead, they think of marriage as adding another person into the life they’re currently living, expecting that life to remain the same, and to stay on the same track for the future they have been dreaming of. It can cause a great deal of conflict when “adding” that other person makes waves in how they’re living and where they’re heading! Key to a lasting marriage is embracing the fact that marriage means leaving that “self life” you’ve been living to fully embrace a “shared life” that you and your spouse will create together.

2. So that will take collaboration over compromise. A common mistake many people make is thinking of marriage as just “adding” another person to their life and all of the plans and dreams they’ve had, and then just making some compromises along the way for that “added person.” That thinking is an invitation to conflict, if not an express lane to divorce! Instead of trying to build a relationship based on negotiating against your spouse — which is what “compromise” is — the means of embracing a shared life is leaving the old self life for a collaborative relationship. By collaborating with your spouse, you’re able to build something that couldn’t exist without both of you joining together.

3. In order to effectively collaborate with your spouse, you’ll need to purposely and diligently be equipped with the communication skills that will enable you to collaborate. Couples who do not have, or develop, effective communication skills will be ineffective at even compromising with one another, much less collaborating through a lifetime. Such skills include learning listening skills for understanding your partner, and talking skills to communicate rather than command.

If you think you can live a self life, don’t expect to have a long marriage — or at least, not a happy one.

If you’re unwilling to collaborate at building a shared life, don’t expect to have a long marriage — or at least, a happy one.

And if you’re unwilling to learn how to effectively communicate with your husband or wife, you better plan on having a pristine home or live a largely outdoor life!

Scotty

P.S. Scott Free Clinic can help you with these keys to building a marriage that can last a lifetime, especially through our Couple Communication workshops. At the time of this writing, we don’t have any workshops currently scheduled but would like to be able to regularly offer them again as soon as possible. You can keep up with workshop offerings from our website here.