Four causes of conflict in our relationships …

Someone once noted, “It’s more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship.”

While that may be more rewarding, resolving conflict usually appears to be difficult and unpleasant, certainly not something most of us look forward to wading into. But, if we can understand the root cause(s) for our conflict, doing what it takes to resolve it becomes clearer and perhaps a motivation to do what it takes to reconcile.

So what are some of the causes of our conflicts? Here are four of the most common:

A failure to follow Christ. In other words, sin is the single most common root cause for conflict between people. It wrecked our relationship with God (which can be restored through Jesus Christ), has ruined marriages, destroyed families, and derailed friendships. Sin moves us to care only about ourselves, and often to purposely strike out at others, kind of like the lady in this story:

A lady was sick, so she went to the doctor. He examined her, did a number of tests and told her the bad news.

“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I’m afraid you’ve contracted rabies.”

The doctor left the room for a minute, and when he returned the woman was busy writing on a piece of paper. He asked, “What are you doing, writing your will?”

The sick woman responded, “No, I’m making a list of all the people I’m going to bite.”

Sin causes conflict between people, even to the point of wanting to hurt others.

A failure to communicate. Our failure to effectively listen to, and speak with, other people can result in conflict with them. For example:

A story is told of a Conflict Counselor who received a phone call from a Catholic priest. The priest and the principal of the parish school had seen their relationship deteriorate to the point where they could no longer communicate. The Conflict Counselor spoke to both men and said “Before we get together I want you to write down what you think the problems are in your relationship.”

The principal and the priest came to the first meeting. They sat opposite one another and the counselor asked them to read their lists.

The priest said “I feel that the principal resents my presence in the school. I would like to play a larger role but feel I can’t. I’d especially like to be more involved in religious education but I feel pushed out.”

The principal then read his assessment of the problem: “I feel that the priest doesn’t want to get involved in the school. I can’t understand why he feels this way because we desperately need him, especially in religious education.”

A simple failure to communicate effectively can ruin relationships that otherwise could be mutually beneficial.

A failure to collaborate. People will often have different opinions and different desires. Key in those situations is working together toward a mutually beneficial outcome. Just promoting our own opinions, or pursuing our own desires will usually result in conflict. Even attempts at compromise routinely lead to conflict because when we attempt to compromise, we’re usually trying to get the other person to give up something so we can get what we really want. The ineffectiveness of this is kind of like the two men in this story with separate objectives:

A farmer noticed a highway department truck pulling over onto the shoulder of the road. A man got out and dug a hole, then got back into the truck. Then the other occupant got out, filled up the hole and got back in the truck. Every fifty yards this amazing process was repeated.

“What are you doing?” the farmer asked.

The driver replied, “We’re on a highway beautification project, and the guy who plants the trees is home sick today.”

The missing element was collaboration in the form of the guy with the trees. If we focus just on what we want, we can be as unproductive as the men in this story. But when we collaborate — work together to create something that couldn’t exist without all parties involved — we forge an outcome that’s mutually beneficial.

A failure to care. This is related to the primary cause of conflict — sin — but it deserves to be highlighted here. When we fail to care about other people, we will have conflict in our relationships with them. We especially fail to care about people when we look at them as being enemies. But when we can see them as more than that, great outcomes can be achieved, as illustrated in this true story:

Erich Remarque’s book, “All Quiet on the Western Front,” tells of a remarkable encounter between two enemy soldiers during the Second World War. During battle a German soldier took shelter in a crater made by artillery shells. Looking around he saw a man wounded, an enemy soldier. He was dying. The German soldier’s heart went out to him. He gave him water from his canteen and listened as the dying man spoke of his wife and children. The German helped him find his wallet and take out pictures of his family to look at one last time.

In that encounter these two men ceased to be enemies. The German had seen the wounded soldier in a new way. Not as an enemy combatant but as a father, a husband, someone who loves and is loved. Someone just like him.

This is always the path of peace and reconciliation, learning to truly see the other and in them recognizing someone just like yourself.

We can minimize a lot of the potential conflicts in our lives by addressing these common causes of conflict by:

• • Above all, living a life that is fully surrendered to Jesus Christ and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, sincerely seek to follow in His footsteps — especially in how we interact with people.
  • Apply ourselves to developing communication skills, becoming attentive listeners, and learning how to effectively speak with others.
  • Be committed to collaborating with others instead of only seeking selfish outcomes.
  • By being transformed to be more and more like Jesus, and through the power of the Holy Spirit in you, learn to sincerely care about the best interest of others and pursue them diligently.

Are any of these four common causes for conflict causing problems in any of your relationships? What can you do to resolve the conflict in a manner that leads to a mutually beneficial outcome?

Scotty