When you’re part of the problem and don’t realize it …

The young couple who had come for counseling were past the intake and assessment process, it was time for me as their counselor to help them identity some of the root causes to the marital conflict.

At this point, the wife had to work strenuously to hold back a smile that wanted to break forth across her face. That’s because, at least initially, I was having to direct the bulk of my conversation toward her husband. The facts were that the husband’s behavior had caused most of the problems in this marriage … but not all of them.

That fact would make the wife frown.

While the husband may have initiated most of the marital conflict, the negative reaction from the wife did much to fuel it. The wife was shocked at the very idea that her ungodly behavior in response to her husband’s ungodly behavior actually contributed to their troubles.

Yes, the wife was part of the problem, even though she had not realized it. In her mind, the misbehavior of her husband justified any reaction she leveled at him, which often included rages that were as sinful as anything demonstrated by her husband.

We could resolve the issues plaguing their marriage, but to do that fully, we had to include how both parties contributed to the problem.

This kind of scenario doesn’t happen just in marriages, but in a variety of settings …

Your boss snaps at you in a meeting, so you spend the afternoon complaining about his action and belittling him to fellow co-workers …

The senior minister of your church makes an unpopular decision many people don’t like, so you initiate multiple “conversations” with other church members to detail just how bad of a decision you think it was …

Your child is tired and cranky and responding sluggishly to your commands, so you resort to yelling at him to get him to move faster …

… and so go examples of behavior where we’re actually contributing to a problem by our poor — or even sinful — responses.

Many people don’t see themselves as making a negative contribution to a problem with their poor responses because they irrationally justify in their minds that bad behavior by others deserves whatever response their “targets” decide to make. The problem is, someone else’s bad and/or sinful behavior is never an excuse to respond in like manner. When you allow yourself to respond with inappropriate words and behavior, you become part of the problem.

Proverbs 15:1 states, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.” Giving no regard to how you respond to bad behavior can be like taking a poker and stirring embers into new flames, fueling a fire.

It can be difficult not to react “in the flesh” to bad behavior leveled at you … but if you’re a Christian, you’re not living by the flesh, but by the Spirit! Through the power of the Holy Spirit in you, you have the capacity to respond to bad behavior in a Christ-like manner that is God-honoring, rather than returning insult for insult.

“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing,” 1 Peter 3:8-9.

When others dump their bad behavior on you, how do you respond? Are you contributing to the problems you have with others by the choice of an ungodly response?

Scotty