You might be an enabler if …

For many people who suffer from an addiction, or are swept away with compulsivity, they are capable of remaining in their unhealthy behaviors as long as they do often because of someone who is an “enabler” to them.

An “enabler” is someone who encourages or enables negative, unhealthy, or self-destructive behavior in another person. Being an enabler to someone’s compulsive behaviors and addictions is unhealthy for yourself and is hurtful — if not harmful — to the dependent person.

So why, then, are some people enablers? There aren’t any positive reasons, which can vary widely, but some of them include:

• • Fear of losing a relationship or the threat of diminished affection or approval.
  • An irrational attempt to help someone in need.
  • A means of attracting attention to themselves.
  • A desire to control the other person.
  • A desire to harm the other person.
  • They allow themselves to be deceived and manipulated by the other person.

How can you tell if you’re actually an enabler? Here are several signs that would indicate you’re likely an enabler:

• • You would do anything to avoid conflict.
  • You’re in denial about the seriousness of the other person’s condition.
  • You try to protect the other person from the harsh consequences of their choices and behavior.
  • You repeatedly bail out or “rescue” the other person from the consequences of their behavior.
  • Ignoring or downplaying dangerous behavior in the other person.
  • Irrationally putting the unhealthy desires of the other person ahead of your legitimate needs.
  • Weak-willed about saying “no” when doing so would be in the other person’s best interest.
  • You fail to establish or enforce appropriate relational boundaries.
  • You make excuses for the other person’s unhealthy behavior.
  • You lie to cover up for the other person’s unhealthy behavior.
  • You take the blame to cover for the other person’s unhealthy behavior.
  • Financially supporting someone in order to maintain them in their unhealthy behavior.
  • You may take on some of the responsibilities of the dependent person.
  • You attempt to control the dependent person.
  • You deceive yourself by always giving “just one more chance” over and over again.

Enabler relationships can be complex and varied, but usually to break the habit of acting as an enabler to someone you will need to at least:

• • Face the truth about your enabling behavior and the other person’s unhealthy behavior.
  • Establish healthy, appropriate relational boundaries and enforce them with diligence.
  • Learn to say “no” without wavering from false guilt or allowing yourself to be manipulated by the dependent person.

The experience and skills of a competent Christian clinical therapist can be a great help to a person who has become an enabler to someone else’s unhealthy behaviors and is finally ready to change that. Don’t hesitate to contact a competent counselor to get help in untangling yourself from the habit of enabling behavior.

Scotty