The tasks of mourning …

It is natural — and beneficial! — to mourn.

A minister once told the story of a young woman in his church who asked him to talk to her grandfather.

“He’s been so down and irritable lately,” she said.

The preacher asked, “Is there anything that you can point to that would contribute to his emotional condition?”

“Well, Grandma died,” she said, “but that was six weeks ago. You’d think he’d be over it by now. He’s making us all depressed!”

She didn’t understand the grief process! Her approach to mourning was more like this:

Many people are familiar with what are commonly taught as “stages” to grieving — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — but many people also don’t relate well to this theory because their own experience has been very different.

It might be helpful if, instead of thinking there are certain “stages” we need to move through when grieving, it might be more beneficial to gain some insight into the “tasks” of mourning. Our mourning actually has a purpose greater than being a time of great personal pain. In his book, “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy,” William Worden identifies four specific and important tasks for our mourning to accomplish:

1. To accept the reality of the loss. When faced with a death, especially in the case of a sudden or unexpected loss, it feels unreal. And it can impact us on many levels. For example, we might rationally accept the fact a loved one is no longer with us, but deep down, emotionally, we don’t. Accepting the new reality is an important foundation for healing. Psychologist Rochelle Perper notes:

“To many, ‘acceptance’ often implies agreement or approval. To others, ‘acceptance’ may imply severing ties to the past. Acceptance doesn’t have to mean any of this. Rather, in the case of losing a loved one, acceptance may simply mark the moment we are ready to begin our journey of healing. Engaging in rituals such as funerals or writing a letter to the person who has died, or talking to a therapist or a close friend or family member are helpful ways to start to come to terms with the reality of the situation.”

2. To work through the pain of grief. Loss is painful but the only prescription for that pain is to work through the experience of mourning in order to get to the other side of it. Grief naturally is accompanied by a wide range of intense emotions such as sadness, longing, emptiness, loneliness, anger, numbness, anxiety, and confusion. Dr. Perper adds:

“The grieving process can cause complete exhaustion, sore muscles, loss of appetite, and difficulty focusing and making decisions. It is important that you are patient with yourself and allow all of these feelings to wash over you in order to process them. It is during this time especially that we need to focus on good self-care such as eating well, incorporating physical activity into your routine, sleeping and spending time with others who you feel comfortable with.”

3. To adjust to an environment in which the deceased is missing. After a loss, we have to adjust to our “new realities” of life without our loved one. This task requires adjusting externally to the world, but also internally, to new emotional and spiritual needs.

The types of adjustments also vary depending on our relationship with our loved one. For example, someone who has lost a spouse will have extra responsibilities as a caregiver around the house. This requires external adjustments. But a recent widow or widower will also have to adjust to the concept of living alone or doing things by themselves. This requires emotional adjustments.

These adjustments are not easy and will take time. But working on this task helps us to better understand our new role in the world, as well as help us realize the impact that the loss has created in our lives.

4. To find an enduring connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. This task includes finding an appropriate, ongoing connection in our emotional lives with the person who has died, while allowing us to continue living. Like the other tasks, this can mean varying things to each one of us. But, it often means allowing for thoughts and memories, while simultaneously engaging in the activities that are meaningful to us and that bring us enjoyment in living. This may even include new activities, people, or new relationships.

For Worden, not accomplishing this task is to not live. It is important to remember that life did not stop when the person died, and that it is important for us to continue to live our lives with a sense of purpose and meaning.

Scotty