How a brutal obituary tore back the curtain on one family’s dysfunction …

Just as many individuals do, families will often fail to address their dysfunction by denying there are any problems.

And just as with individuals, when families pretend like there’s nothing wrong in their relationships, they only perpetuate their dysfunction.

One example of how a serious issue is covered over comes from the world of racing, as reported below by an unknown source:

“You don’t go look at where it happened,” said Scott Goodyear, who starts 33rd [speaking of race-car drivers who have been killed in crashes at the Indianapolis 500]. “You don’t watch the films of it on television. You don’t deal with it. You pretend it never happened.”

The Speedway operation itself encourages this approach. As soon as the track closes the day of an accident, a crew heads out to paint over the spot where the car hit the wall. Through the years, a driver has never been pronounced dead at the race track. A trip to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway Racing Museum, located inside the 2.5-mile oval, has no memorial to the 40 drivers who have lost their lives here. Nowhere is there even a mention.

Denying anything serious is wrong by pretending all is well is never the means to resolving any kind of problems.

One real family in Vallejo, California had experienced ugly dysfunction for decades but just continued to pretend like nothing was terribly wrong. That is, until the mother passed away. One of the adult daughters, assigned to write her mother’s obituary, could no longer pretend like they were a loving, happy family. Years of pent-up emotions finally broke, and the truth came pouring forth in the obituary published in the Vallejo Times-Herald in August of 2008. Following is what the daughter wrote as her mother’s obituary:

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on Aug. 7, 2008. Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed, and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times, too. But I truly believe at the end of the day all of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers, and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, goodbye Mom.

It takes only the most cursory of readings to see this family had perpetuated horrible dysfunction for years because they never seriously confronted their problems while their mother was still alive. The result was a bitter end, and a hope from one daughter that perhaps they could finally get serious about healing.

Most people reading of such a tragic family situation would likely not want to experience the same brokenness, yet many families today are just like this one. Instead of doing the hard work of being honest about their real problems, they pretend to be a happy family to avoid the greater conflict that would initially come from confrontation. But often times confrontation is necessary for a family to admit, identify, address, and correct brokenness, dysfunction, and outright sin.

This family learned that letting the dysfunction rule only brings bitterness in the end.

Let me encourage you that if your family is currently perpetuating real problems by pretending they don’t exist, that you get serious about helping move your family to healing and wholeness. You may need the help of a trusted, godly pastor or a competent and skilled Christian clinical counselor to help you pull back the curtain on what your family has been hiding and help all of you turn to God to bring healing and wholeness to your home. By all means get whatever help you need so that your family can be freed from dysfunction, reconciled with each other, and made whole in Christ.

Scotty