What wives need from husbands and what husbands need from wives …

Men and women are equal but different.

As husbands and wives, they have several needs in common, but because men and women are different, wives have some needs that are a little different than that for husbands, and husbands have some needs a little different than that for wives.

Take any list of what wives or husbands need and you’ll often hear wives say about the needs for husbands, “I have that need, too,” and some husbands saying about a list of needs for wives, “That’s important to me, also.”

Yes, plenty of commonalities, but the fact still remains there are some differences.

So let’s take a brief look at them.

The lists below are not exhaustive, can (will) be different for different people (what would you add to them?), and are a compilation of more than three decades of studying research on marriage and relationships, and my own observations from counseling thousands of couples.

WHAT WIVES NEED FROM HUSBANDS

To be told every day you love them. In study after study, this routinely shows up as the greatest need wives have from their husbands. Some men have asked, “How many times do I have to tell her I love her?!” as if there is some kind of “shut off” number when a husband no longer needs to tell his wife he loves her. There’s no such number. Instead, wives to hear their husbands tell (sincerely!) them they love them every day.

A quantity of quality time. What do wives want from their husbands? Them! And they equate that with having plenty of quality time with them. Wives often report they would settle for a lesser lifestyle or less security if it meant having more quality time with their husbands.

Sense of security. This is so important to wives that some over-prioritize it and make it too important. There are numerous stories of couples where a husband lost his job and the wife tells him he either immediately finds another one or she is taking the children and leaving. While a sense of security can be overly valued, having a sense of security is something wives consistently report as being an important need.

Eyes only for them. Husbands make wives feel loved and feel beautiful when they keep their eyes only on their wives and aren’t looking at other women. Too many men think the poster of the scantily clad model hanging in the garage is harmless, or argue, “It’s okay to look as long as I don’t touch.” Both are wrong. Wives need husbands who don’t have wandering eyes.

Thoughtfulness. Little acts of thoughtfulness from husbands are cherished by wives. Whether it’s coming home and giving them a hug and telling them you love them, picking up after yourself around the house, still opening the door for her, or any number of simple acts that express thoughtfulness toward her conveys that she is important and special to you.

Intimacy. One sense of security husbands can provide their wives is a life of intimacy with her — meaning consistently nurturing a sense of closeness with her. Wives feel disconnected from their husbands when there is a sense of distance between them; this can panic and frighten wives, provoking them to wonder if you really love them.

Real conversation. A key way wives feel a sense of intimacy with their husbands is by having open and honest communication with them, but more than just necessary discussion about the day’s schedule or errands needing to be done. Wives enjoy their husbands with full, warm conversations with them.

To be heard. Wives don’t feel loved, cherished, or close to their husbands if husbands rarely take time to listen to them or routinely dismiss what they have to say. Husbands convey to their wives they are important and honored by making their wives feel heard and listened to.

Sharing responsibilities. Wives want and need help with daily tasks. Husbands who don’t provide it make their wives feel like servants rather than companions for life. And smart husbands will know many wives think it’s “sexy” for a husband to cook a meal, take out the trash, or vacuum the carpet. Sharing daily activities is a practical and thoughtful way of sharing life together.

Be an engaged father. Let’s be blunt — to fail to be an engaged father will directly harm your marriage. Wives need and desperately want to see their husbands loving, caring for, and otherwise actively engaged in the lives of their children. Wives can quickly lose respect and feel less intimate for a husband who shows little interest in their children.

BONUS: Make them laugh! One way for a man to “win” or attract a woman is make her laugh. Don’t stop once you’re married! Your wife delights in your ability to make her laugh throughout a lifetime together.

WHAT HUSBANDS NEED FROM WIVES

Respect. For decades, studies exploring the needs of husbands have persistently reported the number one need husbands say they have from their wives is respect. So great is their need some men say if they had to choose between respect and love, they would place respect as their first need. Husbands need to have their wives demonstrate they respect their husbands with what they say and how they treat them.

To feel desired. This need is right up there with respect, and yes, a primary way husbands feel desired by their wives is from a healthy, active sexual relationship with her. How often do husbands need to have sex? Shaunti Feldhahn is a Christian, Harvard-trained researcher who has researched this topic and helps provide an answer to that question in a helpful article here.

Companionship. Husbands need and want their wives to be their best friend and a true companion for journeying through life together. Wives who nurture that sense of companionship have husbands who feel closely connected with them and cherish their friendship. In Willard Harley’s book, “His Needs, Her Needs,” he identifies a man’s need for a recreational companion. Harley ranked spending recreational time with his wife as the second greatest need that men have, second only to sex for the typical husband

Belief in his abilities. Most husbands say it is important to them that their wives have confidence in them. Belittling them or questioning their capabilities is a fast way for wives to create distance between them and their husbands. Husbands need and want a strong sense of approval from their wives.

Affection. Whoever said men aren’t romantic don’t understand most men, although men often express romance differently than women. Husbands routinely say they need affection from, and a sense of romance with, their wives. One counselor notes, “While sex remains very important for most men, many simply want to experience more affection. Whether it’s holding his hand in public, leaving a love message on his voicemail, or massaging his shoulders, showing that you care about him through actions of fondness will touch his heart.”

Understanding. Husbands say one of the most important things they need is a wife who “gets” them. Husbands find it disorienting — and disheartening — to their marriage relationship when their wives don’t understand them.

Appreciation and affirmation. There’s a saying that women tend to have fragile hearts, and men tend to have fragile egos. Whether or not either are true, husbands relish words of appreciation and affirmation from their wives. Author Sheri Stritof writes, “Most guys like to be patted on the back. One way to do this is by complimenting your husband often. Rather than over-doing it, make sure it’s genuine and sporadic throughout the week. Do simple things like kiss him and tell him you really admire him as a person. Let your husband know you appreciate how hard he works. Tell your husband how good he looks in that shirt. Thank him for how he takes care of the family.”

Less chatter. Husbands acknowledge communication is an important part of a healthy, happy marriage, but husbands often don’t need or want as much conversation as many wives do. One counselor suggests, “If your husband is tired, involved with a project, or just generally isn’t up for a chat, don’t push it. Women can be especially chatty sometimes, so it’s important to carve out time to talk with your husband. Consider expressing yourself in additional ways to your friends, other family members, or through alternative ways like art, journaling, and online forums.”

Concise communication. Most husbands enjoy conversations with their wives, but during times of general communication, husbands tend to prefer more concise communication rather than protracted, story-oriented details. Another way of saying this, husbands like it when wives “get to the point” during general communication.

Peace. Most husbands say they need their homes to be “drama-free zones” and a peaceful place to be. Pastor Dave Page writes, “I realize this is difficult especially when you have small children but men want their home to be a quiet refuge, a place where they can relax and prepare for the world. Men also want their wives to be their wife, and not their mother! Remember, nagging never accomplishes what the wife hopes it will. It may get done what you wanted done, but not with the heart or attitude you hoped to go with the action.”

BONUS: Encouragement. It’s often true men don’t want to appear weak to anyone else, but especially so to their wives. If a husband feels he’s not succeeding at something he’s working at, his impulse is not to keep trying but to quit and spend his time doing things where he can be successful. He needs to feel like he’s succeeding at the things he’s doing. Wives who offer their husbands encouragement help them keep going in times when they might feel frustrated and want to quit.

A FEW MUTUAL NEEDS

Social activity. Some marriages are composed mostly of a harsh focus on chores, duties, errands, responsibilities, and generally lacking in any enjoyment in life or each other. Couples in counseling often complain that he or she “used to be so much fun when we dated,” now they’re always serious and think only about what needs to get done next. Husbands and wives both need to make time for recreation, for playing together, for enjoying the life God has given them, and that especially means enjoying one another.

Physical touch. Few things communicate our connectedness to another person than physical touch. Consistent, caring, considerate touch is essential to a healthy, happy marriage. I’ve written more about touch, and how touch helps us build a bond that can last a lifetime, in a previous blog post here.

God. The single greatest need of every human being is a reconciled relationship with God. It’s a relationship that must be pre-eminent, meaning it’s first even over your spouse and children. Husbands and wives need to encourage and support each other in having vibrant, healthy, growing relationships with God. Studying the Bible together, praying together, worshiping together, serving in a Christian church together, being good stewards together are ways you can support your spouse’s relationship with God and share the love you have for Him with each other.

CONCLUSION
As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the lists provided above aren’t exhaustive lists of what husbands and wives need. You likely agree with some things while noting you and/or your spouse have some differing needs. Couples should make it important to learn what their spouse’s needs are and make it a priority to help them meet their needs. The more you do, the happier you both will be, and the healthier your marriage will be.

Scotty