The Four Horsemen of “apocalyptic communication styles” that harm or destroy relationships …

You probably know the Bible has its “four horsemen of the apocalypse” (even though so often misinterpreted!), but you probably don’t know that marriage/relationship counseling has its own version of “four horsemen” as well.

These “four horsemen” are actually four behaviors that are negative communication styles (originally identified by researcher and clinical psychologist Dr. John Gottman) and, when demonstrated, they usually escalate conflict and can cause serious damage to any relationship. In that case, we should be aware of these communication styles and vigorously guard against adopting any of them. Along with each “horsemen” we’ll look at some better options.

THE FOUR HORSEMENT OF NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION STYLES

Criticism.
All of us have felt the sting of criticism, and it doesn’t feel good! That’s because criticism is when we attempt to deal with a problem using harsh, hurtful, and/or blaming expressions of disapproval or judgment.

According to the Gottman Institute, “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character …”

This negative style of communication can be “apocalyptic” to a relationship because:

• • The focus is on perceived personal flaws rather than changeable behaviors.
  • This behavior usually fosters defensiveness from the other person.

An example: “The living room is a mess. You’re such a slob!”

Better options:

• • Save any discussion containing a complaint of any kind for an appropriate time.
  • Use warm body language and a calm tone when speaking.
  • Instead of attacking, address the specific issue by using “I” statements to communicate what you think, how you feel, or to make requests. Start softly, be tactful, be clear in describing what is happening, and do so without evaluating or judging.

Defensiveness.
This is when a person refuses to accept feedback, or attempts to deflect responsibility for their choices and behaviors. As mentioned above, defensiveness is a common response to criticism; when we feel unjustly accused of something, we quickly become defensive, or when we don’t want to take responsibility for our own choices and behaviors, we fish for excuses to make ourselves a victim instead of taking responsibility.

Specific negative attributes of this “horseman” are:

• • Attempting to shift blame to your spouse or someone/something else.
  • Making excuses for your behavior.

Better options:

• • Always take responsibility for your own behavior without attempt to shift blame.
  • If appropriate, express remorse and seek forgiveness.
  • Instead of taking feedback personally, use it as an opportunity for self-improvement and relationship improvement.

Contempt.
There is nothing positive about this behavior, it’s expression is like injecting poison into a relationship. To display contempt is to express hostility, disgust, or anger toward your spouse. These behaviors are demonstrated by:

• • Using a critical, harsh, mocking, or sarcastic tone.
  • Approaching your spouse with an air of superiority.
  • Using insults and putdowns.

Better options:

The antidote to contempt is to nurture a positive relationship by consistently showing and communicating respect and appreciation for one another. Ways this is done are:

• • Make giving compliments a normal (and sincere) behavior.
  • Focus on your spouse’s positive characteristics, attributes, and behaviors.
  • Consistently show affection for one another.

Stonewalling.
Initially you might not guess that stonewalling would be an “apocalyptic” communication style until you stop to consider what stonewalling is — emotionally withdrawing , going silent, and/or “shutting down” during serious conversations. A person my choose to stonewall:

• • Because they feel overwhelmed.
  • To attempt to avoid tough problems or difficult conversations.

By choosing to stonewall, underlying problems remain unresolved.

Better options:

• • Agree to pause the conversation briefly.
  • Use relaxation techniques (from prayer, to deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, etc.) to calm yourself and stay present with your spouse.
  • Now that you’ve gathered yourself, return to the discussion.

Conclusion.
According to research by Dr. Gottman, use of the “four horsemen” of “apocalyptic” communication styles can lead to the failure of your relationship, something Gottman claims he can predict with over 90 percent accuracy if behavior isn’t changed. Let me encourage you to check yourself to see if you’ve allowed these destructive communication styles to sneak into any of your relationships. If you have, heed this warning to change to a more effective, positive communication style.

Scotty