It’s petty things that are the source of most family squabbles …

Whenever you have two or more human beings in the same space, at some point you will have conflict.

That’s because we’re imperfect (more specifically, sinful) beings who are naturally inclined to be self-centered, and that causes trouble.

“People are born for trouble as readily as sparks fly up from a fire,” Job 5:7.

An interesting, if not sad, fact is that it is conflict within families that has been a persistent source of trouble throughout all of human history. We even see this in scripture:

• • Adam blamed Eve for his participation in sin (Genesis 3:12).
  • Cain killed his brother, Abel (Genesis 4:8).
  • Jacob steals Esau’s blessing (Genesis 27).
  • Joseph sold into slavery by his own brothers (Genesis 37).
  • Amnon rapes his half-sister, Tamar (2 Samuel 13).
  • Absalom kills his brother, Amnon (2 Samuel 13).
  • Absalom rebels against his father, David’s, rule as king (2 Samuel 15).

… and it goes on and on.

Even in 2022, people who are seriously physically harmed or murdered are often wounded or killed by someone they know, or a by a friend or relative.

We’re not strangers to such serious family conflicts as those biblical examples noted above, but the fact is that while squabbling among family members is a persistent problem in many families, what we actually argue about is usually things that are not serious issues.

For example, last year Cushelle sponsored a poll of 2,000 adults in the United Kingdom to find out what were the most common issues argued about in their families. Here are the top 50 responses:

1. Someone leaving all the lights on when they aren’t in the room.
2. Someone leaving shoes in the middle of the floor/in the doorway.
3. Messy bedrooms.
4. Someone not doing their fair share of the chores.
5. Not changing the empty toilet roll when the last of it is used.
6. When the heating should come on.
7. Squeezing rubbish into an already full bin rather than emptying it first.
8. Leaving dirty washing on the floor.
9. Leaving toilet roll cores on the floor, windowsill etc, i.e. anywhere but the bin.
10. Someone leaving plates and glasses in their bedroom.
11. Leaving the dishes to soak rather than just washing them up.
12. Using up the last of something like the milk/ toilet roll and not saying anything.
13. Leaving dirty plates next to the dishwasher rather than in it.
14. Someone not flushing the toilet.
15. Not rinsing out the bath or shower.
16. Not taking items which have been left on the stairs up when you walk past.
17. Someone being too noisy in the morning when everyone else is still asleep.
18. Someone slamming doors.
19. Leaving wet towels on the floor.
20. Who started the argument.
21. Someone cooking dinner, using every utensil in the kitchen and not washing up as they go.
22. Leaving recycling next to the bin rather than in it.
23. Who ate the last biscuit/ chocolate and put the empty box/ wrapper back in the cupboard.
24. Emptying the bins but not putting in a new bin bag.
25. Someone hogging the bathroom.
26. Music being played too loud.
27. Running water downstairs or flushing the toilet while someone is in the shower.
28. Gadgets being used at the dinner table.
29. Not making their bed.
30. Whether the toilet seat should be up or down.
31. Someone taking too long in the shower and using all of the hot water.
32. Squeezing the toothpaste from the top rather than the bottom.
33. Fighting over the TV remote.
34. Someone pinching someone else’s phone charger.
35. Who left the toilet seat up.
36. Siblings using things belonging to the others without asking.
37. Someone being noisy while you are trying to work from home.
38. What film you should watch as a family.
39. Changing the settings, radio station, seat position etc in the car.
40. What time children should come off games consoles.
41. Whose turn it is to load/ unload the dishwasher.
42. Who is cooking dinner.
43. Whose turn it is to make the tea/coffee.
44. What music to play on long car journeys.
45. What takeaway to order.
46. What time children should go to bed.
47. Letting unopened post pile up on the kitchen table.
48. Someone putting a dark item in a light wash and ruining the clothes.
49. Board games which end in a row.
50. Whose turn it is to put the bins out.
(You can read more about this poll by clicking here).

Some immediate red flags:

• • Your family is in trouble if you have 50 things you commonly argue about — and those are just the most common issues! That is a LOT of things to be squabbling over!
  • Most of the 50 items in the poll results above are not important, certainly not enough to create conflict over with a family member.
  • Most of the items in the poll results are issues of preference, but since we’re more naturally self-centered, we press our preferences as if they are what is important.

So what’s the big deal deal if family members bicker some over unimportant things?

Persistently arguing (even over petty, or unimportant, issues) can, over time, foster a dislike toward another person — even a family member. And when you reach a point that you dislike a family member, you’re at risk for not just hurting, but harming, your familial bond that could result in a permanent rift.

Many people who find bickering to be persistent in their families say overcoming that nagging problem is difficult. There’s much that can be said about reducing, and even generally putting a stop to persistent squabbles, and every family brings their own unique characteristics to the issues, but let me share with you six insights to overcoming family bickering:

1. Love must be the foundation to all of our relationships. The Great Commandment is that we first love God before and above anyone and anything, and then love everyone, including our enemies but especially our families (both our biological families and our brothers and sisters in Christ). When love permeates our thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and actions with our family, it squashes self-centeredness; a key reason for that is because love isn’t just having “warm, fuzzy” emotions toward family members, but love is far more about actions. When we persistently act in love (doing what is in the best interest of the other person), we’re not going to have issues of selfishness to argue about.

2. If it’s not important, it’s not worth fighting about; and if it is important, it’s worth talking about and collaborating over. I teach couples, “If it’s important to your spouse, it should be important to you.” The same is true with your children or your siblings. It may not have the same personal importance to you, but when you love someone and are committed to that relationship, we should give attention to what is important to them because they are important to you.

3. It’s important to remember that relationships (of any kind) are a collaboration (a working together, or pulling in the same direction, to create something that couldn’t exist without both or all of you). When you become more collaborative-minded, you become less self-oriented. That radically reduces the potential for conflict.

4. Develop, with insight from scripture and the empowering of the Holy Spirit, a persistent habit of honoring one another.

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other,” Romans 12:10.

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too,” Philippians 2:3-4.

“And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” Ephesians 5:21.

“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband,” Ephesians 5:33.

5. Don’t ruminate over petty issues. Small things like whose turn it is to take out the trash or not refilling the empty roll of toilet paper usually remain trivial issues as long you don’t play them over and over again in your mind. But the more you ruminate on any issue, the bigger — and usually the more irrational — it becomes.

6. Your Christlikeness is your greatest key to creating and maintaining love-based, joy-filled, harmonious relationships. That takes the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit doing His transforming work in your life (and your cooperation with Him!), and a diligent practice of the spiritual disciplines so that you are consistent in growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. The more you live like Jesus, the less you’ll squabble with your family.

Scotty