Three key elements to a happy, God-honoring, lifelong marriage …

The meshing of two lives into one, and then enjoying that relationship for the rest of your life on Earth, can be more complex an undertaking than you might think at the beginning.

“We’ll figure it out,” many say to themselves.

The good news is that a majority of couples do, although for many not without a lot of mistakes, heartaches, hurts, and sometimes, real harm. But the truth is NOT the broadly bandied about faux stat of 50 percent or more of all marriages end in divorce; rather, a majority of couples not only stay married, but say they’re relatively happy.

That’s not to miss the many who say the opposite.

So, without taking a deep dive into the many different things that can make for a happy, God-honoring, and lifelong marriage, let’s look at three keys to achieving that kind of relationship that we glean from the Bible.

1. Leave AND cleave. If you’re married and a Christian, you’ve probably heard that phrase. It’s a very important starting point for a marriage, but one many miss. And when missed, it causes a great deal of conflict in the marriage relationship.

This phrase comes from Genesis 2, when God made the first companion for the first man:

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one,” Genesis 2:24.

Here’s God’s plan for marriage. A child is raised in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, growing up to become a faithful and obedient disciple of Jesus. That’s the primary influence and shaping of the home on the life of a child. When that child grows up, there comes a time when he will leave his parents household …

That “leaving” isn’t just becoming absent from his parent’s home, it’s also stepping out from under their authority and primary influence to be bonded to his wife and create his own household, cleaving first to God (because He is to be preeminent in every relationship), and then cleaving to his wife, loving her second only to God. Of course, she leaves her parents home and cleaves to her husband, loving him second only to God. The couple become one and create their own unique household. The husband and wife are a complete family, though they may expand their family with the addition of children.

A common problem in marriages is when either spouse fails to fully “leave” their parents household (their authority and primary influence) and cleave to each other as being second only to God. That creates conflict because it’s a disordering of position and influence.

“But the Bible says I’m supposed to honor my mother and father. They come first!”

Yes, the Bible does insist that we honor our parents — always, married or not — but that does NOT mean they always hold the same authority or the position of primary influence for a lifetime. In fact, that changes when a man and woman leave the homes that nurtured them from birth to adulthood, and are bonded together to create their own household and family.

A lot of conflict can happen when a husband or wife fail the “leaving” aspect of entering into a marriage relationship and, instead, insist on giving their parents (and sometimes their siblings) a greater position than their spouse is now supposed to have. That’s a failure first to leave, but it’s also a failure to cleave; instead, the person hasn’t fully “left” their parents authority and influence, and are wedging them in between themselves and their spouse.

That isn’t God’s design for marriage, which is why it causes conflict.

The new plan is that together, as one (husband and wife united together), you mutually honor both sets of parents while first honoring God, then each other, and then your parents.

“Leave AND cleave” is an essential component to even launching into a marriage, but also in creating and then maintaining your own household.

2. Craft and maintain a joint vision for marriage. It would seem like the most basic logic to conclude that if a husband and wife have differing visions for their marriage there’s going to be trouble, but it’s something that happens often.

It’s a simple reality about any kind of a relationship that even the prophet Amos raises:

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:3.

No, they cannot. At least, not effectively, not without much conflict, not harmoniously, and not happily, because they’ll always be pulling in different directions and will be unable to experience oneness and the joy of real companionship.

Another word for this “agreeing on the direction” is collaboration, which is God’s idea for marriage. Marriage is not about either the husband or the wife dictating the vision or direction of the marriage, but that they build something that couldn’t exist without the blending (or collaboration) of both of them together.

Just as important “leaving and cleaving” is to a marriage is the need for a collaborative direction for your marriage so you can walk through life together, pulling in the same direction.

3. God’s romantic love cycle. Ephesians 5 contains priceless nuggets of godly wisdom for marriage, which includes a “cycle” for relating to one another that, if consistently followed, fosters and nurtures a joy-filled marriage. It starts with:

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  • Mutual submission – “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,” Ephesians 5:21.
  • The husband’s primary approach to his wife – “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself,” Ephesians 5:25-28.
  • The wife’s primary approach to her husband – “For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything,” Ephesians 5:22-24.

The cycle? While submitting to one another, the husband loves his wife in the same way Christ loved the church. How in the world can a man love his wife so self-sacrifically? If his wife respects him the way she respects Christ. How in the world could a wife respect her husband in such a way? If her husband loves her the same way Jesus loved the church.

See the cycle?

Sound psychological research has revealed the greatest need men have from their wives is respect, and the need women have from their husbands is love. God’s cycle, as given in Ephesians 5, meets those needs exactly!

Conclusion – If a husband and wife leave their parent’s households and are bonded together as one, collaborate on a joint vision for their marriage so they can walk through life together, mutually submit to one another (loving each other as Christ did His church and respecting as you respect Christ), and cleave to each other as being second only to God, then it will be hard not to have a joyful, God-honoring, lifelong marriage regardless of the challenges that may come along the journey through life together.

Scotty