What today’s young men talk about in private …

Have you ever wondered what private conversations are like among young men today?

Let’s take a small peak …

A few weeks ago, after my early morning workout at the gym, I was in the back of the locker room when two young guys, deep in conversation, walked by. Seeing me, they lowered their voices just a little, but continued with their conversation.

I had seen both of these guys in the gym before, and they always worked out together. It was obvious they were friends. Both, at the oldest, were early 20-somethings, and one was a white male, the other a black male.

What do two 21st century young guys, who are best of friends, talk about in their private moments together?

Here’s some of what I overheard (not purposely), mixed with some insights from their conversation:

MEN STRUGGLE WITH BODY IMAGE ISSUES

Of these two guys, the black male was a little shorter, but with a more muscular build. It was obvious he was seeing gains from his time spent in the gym. His friend, the white male, was tall and lanky, and visually not nearly as muscular as his friend.

It was his struggle with body image that he was being deeply vulnerable about with his buddy, revealing how insecure he felt about how he looked.

We traditionally think of body image issues as primarily being a concern of girls and women, but the truth is it’s a serious issue men wrestle with as well. In fact, the National Library of Medicine reports:

“Body image isn’t just a women’s problem. Many studies reveal that a surprisingly high proportion of men are dissatisfied with, preoccupied with, and even impaired by concerns about their appearance. One American study, for example, found that the percentage of men dissatisfied with their overall appearance (43 percent) has nearly tripled in the past 25 years and that nearly as many men as women are unhappy with how they look.”

This guy was almost emotional about how insecure he was over his body image. It’s an issue constantly stoked by media and social media, and not just for women. Young guys today find themselves drowning in a constant barrage of images of the perfect male physique and, in comparison, thinking they don’t measure up. Healthline reports:

Most celebrities, scientists, and average guys agree that there’s one major contributing factor we can credit for the rise of negative body perception for men and boys: the silver screen. Stars like Hugh Jackman and Chris Pratt pack on muscle to transform into superheroes to join the likes of Dwayne Johnson and Mark Wahlberg. This increases male public interest in obtaining their recipes for chiseled abs and bulging biceps. A vicious cycle ensues …

For the last three years, at least 4 out of the top 10 grossing movies in the U.S. have been superhero stories, according to data observed from Box Office Mojo. In these films, “ideal” male physiques are shown constantly, sending a message: To be brave, dependable, and honorable, you need big muscles.

The ironic thing regarding this guy was that he, as it turns out, is a Lance Corporal in the United States Marines … Marines are stereotypically thought of as “… brave, dependable, and honorable …”!

THE NEED FOR A FRIEND

Partner a man with just a single friend and he can go from timid to thinking he can take on the world.

That’s what was happening that morning in the locker room. In response to his friend’s admission about his struggle with body image, the other fellow first pointed out the notable gains his friend was making from his workouts. Then he went on to build him up in other ways, punctuating his comments with an exhortation that he was, without doubt, the best Lance Corporal currently stationed in the San Diego area!

A friend helps you see the bigger, more rational, and sometimes more important picture about life and self, and give a more accurate measure of the man. Maybe this guy wasn’t the most muscular Marine in the city, but he was making gains on his goals, and he had a lot more to offer than just his looks.

A growing problem in 2023 is the increasing number of men who report they have few — or no — close friends:

Having an intimate group of friends … seems to be a rare thing for men these days. In fact, according to a recent American Survey report, men have fewer social ties overall than they used to, with only 27 percent of men in 2021 saying they had at least six close friends compared to 55 percent in 1990. This suggests men may be suffering a “friendship recession” that is likely affecting their health and happiness.

The reasons for this are complex. But it’s worth it for men to forge friendships with other men. Research suggests that having men friends in early adulthood is important to men and can help buffer them against stress. Intimate friendships with men, sometimes called “bromances,” can be even more fulfilling than romantic relationships with women, perhaps because men feel more understood by other men and assume men friends will be more loyal and willing to help in time of need (Source: Greater Good Science Center).

THE NEED FOR ENCOURAGEMENT

I doubt the dose of encouragement received that early morning made this guy’s concern over body image suddenly vanish, but it seemed to help buoy him from the tug of irrational insecurities.

That’s because he received from his friend something men need — encouragement.

For a very long time, boys have been taught to be strong, and brave, and stoic, not to show their emotions. The problem with that is that men have emotions! And because expressing and sharing them is sometimes thought of as an act of weakness, guys need other men they can trust to be emotionally honest with and, in doing so, receive the encouragement they need.

Such encouragement doesn’t always start in the home with family. In fact, it was at this point the Lance Corporal commented about his dad not being so encouraging toward him, and with that, his friend piped up about his own negative experiences with his father.

GUYS NEED A FATHER’S POSITIVE INFLUENCE

One of the greatest influences for a guy about what it means to be a man is the relationship and model with their own fathers. The Corporal’s buddy immediately flashed back to a terrible time when his father wanted him to “hold a flashlight” for him while he was working. Being a boy, he wasn’t strong and coordinated enough to hold the flashlight for an extended period of time without it wavering, and that wavering sparked an irrational release of rage from his father.

Many guys — myself included — know this exact story (the terror of the flashlight!). Boys want to learn from, be taught by, and be a “helper” to their fathers, but when they can’t measure up to the performance the father demands, and are verbally abused for their lack of ability, that treatment from their fathers tears at the relationship, creating distance and resulting in boys not getting the the positive, formative influence needed from their dads. Parent Co. reports:

Boys, especially, need a present father. He is going to set their concept of what a man is. Dad will be the first standard of masculinity in a child’s life, and he’ll be the one with the longest-lasting impact.

One of the most important things boys learn from their dads is how to treat a woman. When kids grow up, they tend to emulate their parents’ marriage. If mom and dad fought a lot, had affairs, and got divorced young, there’s a high chance their kids’ marriages will go the same way. When mom and dad treat each other with respect, kids learn how to do the same with their own partners.

In fact, boys are more likely to emulate their fathers if their parents have a good relationship. Part of the reason a child wants to be like his father is because he wants his mother’s love. If a boy can see that his parents are in love, he’ll imitate his father more. If dad isn’t present, boys will still come with up a concept of manliness. They just won’t get it from their parents. They’ll get it from TV.

A GODLY EXAMPLE

It wasn’t just the time when the Corporal’s buddy had to hold the flashlight for his dad that bruised his relationship with his father and brought back bad memories …

“My dad was all about me doing the godly thing,” he told his friend, “then he would get mad at me smack me upside my head with his Bible.”

Nothing can stir anger and set a young man onto the wrong path faster than when a father treats his children in such a negative way that his behavior only provokes anger. That’s why the Apostle Paul specifically writes that fathers must avoid this:

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord,” Ephesians 6:4.

Those times of anger, and literally being hit by his father with his Bible, brought out raw emotion that suggested that unhealed wounds continued to languish in this young guy.

CONCLUSION

… and off they went into their day.

Scotty