How to sabotage what could be effective counseling …

Most people who enter into counseling do so because they want to change their lives.

But that could mean different things.

Some are willing, even want, to change themselves; many want their circumstances to change. Some want their circumstances to change and understand they also need to change themselves, if at the least in how they respond to their circumstances.

But some people actively, even aggressively, sabotage what could be effective counseling because they want to show themselves to be serious about needed change in their lives, but they really don’t want to change (or are too afraid to make real changes).

Here are some of the ways a client can sabotage what could otherwise be a life-changing experience:

They don’t take their counseling experience seriously. They see a counseling session as little more than an opportunity to talk, to “have their say,” to “vent,” but not be accountable for doing something about what they’re venting about.

They don’t do their homework. People enter into counseling because something about their lives isn’t right. A skilled counselor helps them identify the root causes of their issues, and the client must do their homework in their lives outside the session for real, lasting change to occur.

Refuse to apply new knowledge and skills. You can’t fix a problem using the same broken thinking and behavior that caused it. Effective counseling includes equipping clients with a broader, deeper knowledge of themselves and teaching them more effective skills for bringing change to their lives. When a client refuses to use the new knowledge and skills, they directly sabotage any real capacity for change.

They’re inconsistent. The client who is always running late (shortening sessions), often unprepared for sessions, or cancels sessions because of a disorganized life brings an inconsistency that dilutes the effectiveness of counseling.

Changing topics every week. At the start of counseling, a counselor works with a client to identify what the root issues are, and the initial ongoing focus should be to work through those issues to achieve progress toward change. When a client wants to inject news issues in every session, it just adds to the number of issues raised but sabotages making progress on the issues the client initially identified as root issues. Sometimes, you have to sideline all the new “crises” so you can fully deal with the ones already identified.

Making it all about others. Are some circumstances due to the behavior of “everyone else”? Sometimes, yes, but when the mantra is always how all the problems in life is because of others, chances are the person is refusing to take responsibility for their own decisions, mistakes, failures, or sins.

Don’t respect their counselor. If you think your counselor is as wrong as “everyone else” and you dismiss their counseling, you’re wasting your time and disrespecting theirs. Pick — and then stick with — a counselor you respect and are willing to receive counsel from.

Wanting only circumstances to change. As hinted at initially, sometimes a client only wants relief from their immediate circumstances and won’t entertain any talk about changes beyond that.

Entrenched thinking. Some clients are so deeply entrenched in how and what they think that they’re completely unwilling to entertain thinking anything else, or consider other ways of thinking about something.

If a person has a competent, skilled counselor, then it’s important to remember their counselor is “for” them and want to bring all their education, experience, and skill to bear in helping them achieve positive change in their life. Cooperating with that kind of counselor can be of great personal benefit, but sabotaging the counseling process will disrupt outcomes.

Scotty