We’ve warped something we all need desperately …

God has created all of us with a need for other people — we need relationships.

A somewhat dark example of that need was the focus of an experiment conducted long ago:

We can live only in relationships. We need each other. A rather crude and cruel experiment was carried out by Emperor Frederick, who ruled the Roman Empire in the thirteenth century. He wanted to know what man’s original language was: Hebrew, Greek, or Latin. He decided to isolate a few infants from the sound of the human voice. He reasoned that they would eventually speak the natural tongue of man. Nurses who were sworn to absolute silence were obtained, and though it was difficult for them, they abided by the rule. The infants never heard a word, not a sound from a human voice. Within several months they were all dead. (Source Unknown).

We have a desperate need to be in relationship, first (and foremost) with our Creator, and also with other human beings. Sadly, in our time we’ve seen an increase in how we have warped the way we relate to anyone by making our interactions to be more (or mostly) transactional.

WHAT IS A TRANSACTIONAL-STYLE RELATIONSHIP?
One unidentified source defines the concept of a “transactional relationship” like this:

“A transactional-style relationship is characterized by exchanges of goods, services, or favors between individuals or entities where the primary focus is on the immediate benefits gained from each interaction, often lacking deeper emotional or long-term commitment.”

Let’s look at a few examples as to how we make different relationships more transactional in style rather than relational:

MARRIAGE – In a transactional-style marriage, a husband and wife approach their relationship as a series of exchanges, where each person seeks to receive benefits or rewards in return for their contributions. It’s like a constant ledger of give-and-take, with both parties keeping a mental tally of who does what and expecting a “fair return” for their efforts. For example, one partner may expect emotional support in exchange for handling household chores, and the other may anticipate affection in return for financial stability. Such a transactional style of relationship lacks the depth of emotional connection and selflessness found in more harmonious, partnership-based (or collaborative) marriages.

PARENTING – In a transactional-style parenting relationship, the interaction between parent and child is characterized by a “quid pro quo” dynamic. A “transactional parent” provides support, guidance, and resources to the child, expecting certain behaviors or achievements in return. For example, a parent may offer praise and rewards for good grades or completed chores. Transactional parenting leads to an emphasis on conditional love and expectations, where the child’s value is tied to their performance and compliance with the parent’s wishes, rather than nurturing a more emotionally supportive and unconditional bond of love.

FRIENDSHIP – A transactional-style friendship is characterized by a clear give-and-take dynamic. Friends interact with each other primarily to gain something in return, whether it’s emotional support, favors, or shared resources. Their interactions resemble a kind of emotional currency exchange, where each friend provides assistance or resources when needed, with the expectation of reciprocation. Such a friendship lacks deep emotional connection and feels more like a mutual exchange of benefits rather than a genuine, emotionally rich bond.

EMPLOYMENT – In a transactional-style employment relationship, the interaction between the employer and employee is primarily focused on the exchange of services for compensation. In this case, the employee provides their skills, time, and effort to perform specific job tasks, while the employer compensates them with a salary or wages. A transactional-style employment relationship is primarily concerned with fulfilling their immediate needs and obligations within the job and usually fails to foster a greater sense of “team” or being part of something bigger than their limited contribution. There may be limited communication and collaboration beyond what is necessary to complete the assigned tasks, so loyalty and job security is often lacking.

GOD – In a transactional-style relationship with God, individuals often view their interactions with their Creator as a series of exchanges. The irrational thought is that their actions and prayers will lead to specific outcomes or blessings. This approach resembles a quid pro quo dynamic, where people may make offerings, perform rituals, or engage in religious practices with the expectation of receiving divine favors in return. The focus here is on obtaining desired outcomes or avoiding negative consequences, creating a sense of reciprocity in the relationship with God.

While so many of us have adopted a transactional style in most of our relationships, such a style is the polar opposite of how God teaches us to interact with Him and all other human beings. When it comes to interacting with anyone, God calls us to have a single anchor or foundation for such interactions, and that is love:

“One of them, an expert in religious law, tried to trap him with this question: ‘Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?’ Jesus replied, ‘”You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.” This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments,'” Matthew 22:35-40.

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other,” Romans 12:9-10.

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had,” Philippians 2:3-5.

As children of God, reflecting His image, and following in the footsteps of Jesus, the basis for our relationships with everyone is supposed to be love, not what we can gain from another person.

“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing,” 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

Love is outward and other focused, with an emphasis on giving or seeking the best interest of others. Transactional relationships are engaging with others in order to get something from them.

What anchors your relationships — love, or a transactional mindset?

Scotty