Insights for managing or resolving conflict …

People can attempt some silly things in trying to resolve conflicts, and not all of those things are wise or ethical, and thus, certainly not God-honoring.

Take, for example, this story of an attempt at “conflict resolution” from Today in the Word:

French novelist and playwright Alexandre Dumas once had a heated quarrel with a rising young politician. The argument became so intense that a duel was inevitable. Since both men were superb shots they decided to draw lots, the loser agreeing to shoot himself. Dumas lost. Pistol in hand, he withdrew in silent dignity to another room, closing the door behind him. The rest of the company waited in gloomy suspense for the shot that would end his career. It rang out at last. His friends ran to the door, opened it, and found Dumas, smoking revolver in hand. “Gentlemen, a most regrettable thing has happened,” he announced. “I missed.”

A duel is not a wise — and certainly not a godly! — way to try to resolve a conflict. There’s not a template that’s perfect for every situation and all persons involved, but there are some insights that generally fit a sound approach to managing or resolving conflict:

1. Start by seeking wisdom. Begin with prayer and searching the scriptures to seek God’s guidance.

2. Boost your self-awareness with honest self-assessment. Reflect honestly on your own attitudes and actions, examining if/how you might have contributed to the conflict.

3. Address the conflict directly. Follow the biblical teaching of Matthew 18:15, addressing the issue directly with the person(s) involved.

4. Communication is the bridge to the others involved in the conflict. Approach the other party with a humble and open heart. Speak with gentleness and respect. A vital part of your communication will be …

5. Practice “aware listening,” or listening to understand. Seek for clarity (often lost in emotion and anger) and to understand the perspective of others.

6. Apply biblical guidance, such as:

• • Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Express your concerns and needs calmly and constructively, avoiding blame and accusations (Ephesians 4:29).
  • Seek common ground. Identify areas of agreement and shared interests to build a foundation for resolution (Philippians 2:2).
  • Apologize when necessary. Take responsibility for your own contribution to the conflict and offer sincere apologies where appropriate (Proverbs 28:13).
  • Consider others before yourself. Put the other person’s needs and well-being before your own (Philippians 2:3).
  • Bear one another’s burden. Offer support and understanding to the other person during the conflict resolution process (Galatians 6:2).
  • Rejoice in the truth. If you go into a meeting intent on maintaining your stance regardless of the truth, you’re not really seeking to resolve the conflict, you’re focused on advancing your argument. Instead, Christians are called to rejoice in the truth (1 Corinthians 13:6), whatever outcome the truth leads to.
  • Be patient and persistent. Conflict resolution takes time and effort. Remain patient and committed to finding a peaceful resolution (Colossians 3:13).
  • Offer genuine forgiveness. Release any anger or resentment, offering forgiveness even if you don’t “feel” it initially. By extending forgiveness you follow Christ’s example (Ephesians 4:32). Remember Matthew 6:14-15, emphasizing the importance of forgiving others.
  • Initiate repentance. Be willing to repent if you have contributed to the conflict (James 5:16). Encourage the other party to examine their actions as well.

7. Focus on reconciliation and peace. Strive for reconciliation rather than seeking a simple, and possibly fragile, resolution (2 Corinthians 5:18-19). Aim for restoration and unity (Galatians 6:1).

8. If necessary, seek mediation. After all of the above, if it becomes necessary then consider involving a neutral third party to mediate, following the principles in 1 Corinthians 6:1-7.

9. Keep your agreements. If, in your reaching reconciliation in the conflict, you agree to do certain things, then make sure you do what you said you would do, when you said you would do it, and how you said you would do it. This will build trust and nurture the reconciled relationship.

10. Keep it confidential. You can immediately endanger a freshly resolved conflict by talking about it with others not involved. Keep matters confidential as much as possible (Proverbs 11:13) to avoid gossip and fostering discord.

11. Don’t waste the opportunity to learn and grow from the experience. Learn from the conflict and use it as an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth (Romans 5:3-5).

Scotty