Being a dysfunctional family is no laughing matter …

You may have heard the saying that there are no perfect churches (there aren’t), but if you actually found one the minute you joined it would become dysfunctional!

That’s because there are no perfect human beings roaming around this planet.

At least, not in our churches, and also — if not especially — in our families.

Sadly, dysfunctional families are not uncommon in our time, although they are nothing new. Read through the Bible and you’ll see multiple stories of dysfunctional families.

A problem, though, in our time is that we’ve made being from a dysfunctional family something we joke about. However, when you look at the harm that can be experienced through family dysfunction, you’ll quickly discover the reality that experiencing life in a dysfunctional family isn’t a laughing matter.

It’s tragic, and harmful.

An unidentified writer reported a true story about how one family actually had a house built to cater to their dysfunction:

The Ledbetter family likes to spend time at home together, just not in the same room. So they built a 3,600-square-foot house with special rooms for studying and sewing, separate sitting areas for each kid, and a master bedroom far from both. Then there’s the escape room, where Mr. Ledbetter says, “Any family member can go to get away from the rest of us.”

The Mercer Island, Washington, industrial designer says his 7- and 11-year-old daughters fight less, because their new house gives them so many ways to avoid each other. “It just doesn’t make sense for us to do everything together all the time,” he says.

After two decades of pushing the open floor plan where domestic life revolved around a big central space and exposed kitchens gave everyone a view of half the house, major builders and top architects are walling people off. They’re touting one-person internet alcoves, locked-door away rooms and his-and-her offices on opposite ends of the house. The new floor plans offer so much seclusion, they’re “good for the dysfunctional family,” says Gopal Ahluwahlia, director of research for the National Association of Home Builders.

The approach isn’t for all architects. William Sherman, chairman of the department of architecture and landscape architecture at the University of Virginia, says all the cut-up spaces make families more isolated and lonelier than ever. “People don’t even gather in the same spot to watch TV anymore,” Mr. Sherman says. “It’s sad.”

Sad isn’t sufficient to describe families who surrender to their dysfunctions, and even design their households to functionally cater to it.

To understand just how harmful dysfunction can be, especially to children growing up in a dysfunctional environment, let’s get a better picture of what “dysfunction” is.

A DEFINITION AND DESCRIPTION
A dysfunctional family or household is one in which communication, relationships, and behavior patterns are significantly impaired, leading to difficulties in meeting the emotional and functional (and usually the spiritual, and sometimes even the physical) needs of its members.

According to an array of studies on the modern family, six of the most common dysfunctions found in households today include:

1. Inconsistent or unclear communication. A hallmark of dysfunctional families is lack of open and honest communication. Family members may have difficulty expressing (or feel unsafe expressing) their needs and feelings, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and conflict.

2. Failure to resolve conflicts. Dysfunctional families usually struggle to resolve conflict in a healthy way, or at all. Because of this, conflict may be frequent, intense, and usually unresolved, leaving members feeling hurt, angry, and unheard.

3. Unrealistic and/or inappropriate expectations and roles. Dysfunctional families will often have unrealistic expectations of each other. Parents may expect children to be perfect, or children may expect parents to be all-knowing and all-powerful. Parents may place a child in the role only an adult should take (such as confidant to the parents personal or relational troubles), or children might attempt to ignore their parents. These unrealistic expectations and roles cause disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

4. Lack of emotional support. Dysfunctional families often fail to provide emotional support to their each other, which can be deeply wounding, causing family members to feel isolated, lonely, and unsupported, which can lead to depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems.

5. Substance abuse. Substance abuse is a common problem in dysfunctional families. Alcohol and drug abuse can create chaos and instability in the home, and can also lead to physical and emotional abuse.

6. Enmeshment. Enmeshment in a family describes an unhealthy dynamic where individuals lose boundaries, leading to excessive closeness and a lack of differentiation. The result of such a lack of boundaries is a fostering of unhealthy co-dependency.

Other or similar dysfunctions in families include financial mismanagement, unresolved trauma, enabling behavior, power struggles, neglect, denial and avoidance, and marital issues.

MORE HARMFUL THAN YOU MIGHT THINK …
Growing up in a dysfunctional household can have a profound and lasting impact on children’s lives, affecting their emotional, social, and cognitive development and their spiritual life. Here are some of the potential consequences:

Emotional effects:

• • Low self-esteem. Children may feel unloved, unwanted, and insecure due to a lack of emotional support and validation from their parents or caregivers.
  • Difficulty regulating or managing emotions. The lack of consistent emotional support in a dysfunctional household may hinder a child’s ability to regulate their emotions effectively.
  • Anxiety and depression. The constant stress and instability of a dysfunctional home can lead to chronic anxiety and depression in children.
  • Attachment issues. Children may have difficulty forming healthy attachments to others due to inconsistent, unpredictable, or inappropriate caregiving. Dysfunctional households may erode a child’s trust in others, making it challenging for them to establish meaningful connections.
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Children who experience abuse or violence in the home may develop PTSD, with symptoms such as flashbacks, nightmares, and hyper-vigilance.

Social effects:

• • Difficulty with relationships. Children may struggle to form and maintain healthy relationships with peers and adults due to their experiences in a dysfunctional home.
  • Social isolation. Children may withdraw from social interactions due to feelings of shame or fear.
  • Behavioral problems. Children may act out in an attempt to cope with their emotional distress, leading to problems at school and in the community.
  • Risk of substance abuse. There is an increased risk that children from dysfunctional homes may turn to substance abuse as a coping mechanism later in life.

Cognitive effects:

• • Academic difficulties. The stress and instability of a dysfunctional home can make it difficult for children to focus and learn in school.
  • Developmental delays. Children may experience delays in their cognitive, social, and emotional development.
  • Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Children from dysfunctional homes are more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD.

Physical effects:

• • Physical health issues. Chronic stress and trauma associated with dysfunction can have long-term impacts on physical health, potentially leading to issues like headaches, gastrointestinal problems, or other stress-related disorders.

Spiritual effects:

• • A home without God. Children in a dysfunctional family may not be taught and discipled in the Christian faith, growing up without God in their life, and without the hope we find in Him.
  • A hypocritical model. Sometimes children in a dysfunctional family grow up with parents who profess a Christian faith but live opposite of their profession. Such a model of hypocrisy can motivate children to want to have nothing to do with Christianity or the church “if that’s what it means to be a Christian.”

STEPS TO OVERCOMING BEING RAISED IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD
Overcoming the challenges of being raised in a dysfunctional household can be a complex and ongoing process. It often involves a combination of spiritual formation, self-reflection, personal growth, and seeking support from others. Here are some strategies that may help:

• • Spiritual formation. Seek God and the truth He provides for all of life.
  • Seek professional help. Consider counseling to address and process past experiences.
  • Establish boundaries. Set healthy boundaries with family members to protect your (and their) well-being.
  • Build a support system. Surround yourself with positive relationships and friends, and a healthy church fellowship.
  • Appropriate self-care. Prioritize self-care practices to nurture your mental and emotional health (e.g., rational thinking, learning and using cognitive restructuring techniques, physical exercise, nutrition, healthy sleep pattern, etc.).
  • Educate yourself. Learn about healthy relationships and communication skills.
  • Focus on personal growth. Work on building resilience and developing a positive mindset.
  • Forgive. Practice forgiveness to fully resolve past experiences.
  • Create a new narrative. You can’t go back and change the past, but you can start anew from where you are to pursue the fullness of life Jesus Christ offers you.

Scotty