The practical impact of temperament on our lives and relationships …

Each person has their own God-created temperament design (you can read more details about that here and here), and tucked within that temperament are needs. We then naturally seek to meet the innate needs we have been created with. That fact can result in what I refer to as “temperament clashes” within interactions or relationships. Let’s look at just a few examples of how temperament directly and practically impacts our lives, especially in different relational settings.

EXAMPLE 1 – MARRIAGE
Joe and Mary were high school sweethearts, were engaged to be married while freshmen in college, and a year later became husband and wife.

Now that they find themselves living together, what was a delightful relationship for years is suddenly experiencing some problems. It’s not just because they’re always together now, it’s because their temperaments are clashing.

Joe’s temperament is mostly Melancholy. This means he’s a brilliant guy with great ideas, but he’s also a staunch introvert. He would rather stay home and spend his time with Mary than go out and be with others. And at times, with his active mind, he can become moody, even depressed.

Mary’s temperament is mostly Sanguine. This means she’s a “people person,” so much so she’s known to be the “life of the party” whenever she’s at a party … and she loves going to parties! In fact, Mary finds being alone or inactive to be stressful, even generating anxiety within her. She’s not a deep thinker, she takes life on a surface level and lives for today.

Now that Joe and Mary are married, their temperaments are clashing more than they ever have, or at least, more than they noticed when they weren’t always together as a married couple. Mary persistently tries to drag Joe to a party with friends, telling him he needs to get out more and have fun. Joe has no need for that kind of socialization and tries to keep Mary in more, telling her she should be a little more serious about life.

Joe wants to have a “plan” for his and Mary’s future, but Mary is repelled by the details and discipline Joe wants to infuse into their relationship.

And on it goes …

Can you see how two different temperaments in a marriage can result in a “clash”?

These differences can create serious problems in a marriage if they aren’t understood and respected.

Just because a couple may have temperament differences doesn’t mean they have to clash – a couple can learn how different temperament needs and strengths can complement their own.

For example, Joe can help Mary be a little more serious and grounded, and Mary can help Joe not be too serious and discover a little more joy in life. When Joe becomes depressed by what he’s playing over and over again in his mind, Mary can help him reframe his thinking to more positive realities and pull him out of his funk. And when Mary finds herself stumbling for lack of planning, Joe can help her pull things together and get back on a positive track.

By the way, don’t assume sharing the same temperament needs eliminates the possibility of temperament clashes in a marriage. While the needs may be the same or similar, how people think and go about meeting needs can be different, resulting in a “clash.”

EXAMPLE 2 – PARENTING
First, let’s look at Sally, who is the mother of little Johnny.

Sally is mostly a Sanguine in temperament, a vivacious “people person” who is always looking for someone to talk to, some place to go, and something to be involved with where there are other people.

Johnny is nothing like his mother, as he is mostly Melancholy in temperament. That means Johnny has no need for association and socialization, he’s much happier (and fully capable of) spending hours at a time alone in his room.

Sally is concerned about Johnny spending all of his time alone, and is constantly urging him to go outside and play, and especially to go play with the neighbors or other kids. Sally often tries dragging Johnny to outings that force him to interact with other people. This can cause anxiety in Johnny, who needs personal alone time every day to think, dream, and regenerate — a temperament need his mother cannot relate to.

The more Sally pushes Johnny to socialize, the more he resents such efforts by his mother. Johnny plays that resentment over and over in his mind, and the “clash” between he and his mother is slowly boiling to a serious break in their relationship.

Here’s a major mistake parents routinely make: they parent their children from their own temperament, rather than with understanding of what the temperament needs are of their children.

While Sally may not personally relate to the temperament needs of a Melancholy, it is important she understand needs and parent Johnny accordingly. Put another way, Sally shouldn’t parent Johnny as if he had the same Sanguine temperament needs she does — because he doesn’t, at all!

EXAMPLE 3 – EMPLOYEE AND EMPLOYER
Bill is the ultimate leader, a Choleric temperament. By the sheer power of his will, he knows how to “make things happen” and get things done. He’s especially adept at pulling a team of people together, viewing each person as a specific “tool” to accomplish what he wants to achieve. His employees see him as charismatic and very inspiring, although he’s also demanding and unbending.

Dave, who works for Bill, is the ultimate servant (a Supine temperament). In fact, Bill hired Dave because he is willing to do whatever Bill wants. Dave understands what Bill’s goals are, and is only too happy to do everything he can to help Bill achieve them.

Dave works tirelessly to meet Bill’s goals and to make him and the company look good. Unfortunately, Bill doesn’t seem to care; he never says thanks or recognizes Dave for his hard work. Bill never takes into consideration Dave’s ideas or needs, he just demands and then takes the credit for Dave’s contribution.

Finally, feeling unappreciated, not listened to, and used, Dave explodes with Bill, the result being that Bill fires him, telling Dave he already has a more talented replacement ready to go to work tomorrow.

Do you see how the temperament weaknesses of these two men could easily clash in an employment setting?

It doesn’t have to be that way.

By understanding the different temperament needs, Bill can see he has a great employee who has a “servant’s heart” and is willing to work hard to help him meet his goals for himself and the company. Bill can understand that he needs to reward Dave with some recognition, make him feel appreciated, and at least make Bill feel heard, even if he doesn’t use any of his ideas. And Dave can know that he can get farther in his communication with Bill by making Bill think the ideas he suggests are really Bill’s own ideas.

Different temperament needs can clash, or they can complement each other. Knowledge of temperament differences is the key in determining whether temperament differences clash or complement.

Scotty